


Nothing to Lose, Vengeance to Gain

by goodbyegoodbyegoodday



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, I'm Bad At Summaries, M for language, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, at least for now, possibly future nsfw, probably at least
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodbyegoodbyegoodday/pseuds/goodbyegoodbyegoodday
Summary: You lost everything in the fall of Wall Maria, your home, your parents, your sister, your friends. Your everything. With nothing left to lose and a burning passion for vengeance and freedom, you work tirelessly within the survey corps to reach the goal you seek to gain. Along the way to your goal of revenge, maybe you’ll learn that you do have something to lose. And maybe you gave him the same thing in return.
Relationships: Levi & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader
Comments: 73
Kudos: 220





	1. Haptic Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading!  
> I used to write on tumblr a few years ago, but after going through some tough times I deleted not only my blog, but everything I had written. So now, a few years later, stuck in quarantine, I decided to get back into writing!  
> I just, *clenches fists* love Levi so much.  
> I know its a bit rough, so please be gentle! This is my first attempt in a great long while.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You fight for the ghosts that leave you haunted. 
> 
> But do you fight to remember?  
> Or do you fight to forget?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4/6/2020 Edit: I’m not gonna lie to yall, its been SOOOO long since I read the beginning chapters about recruitment and got SOOO many things wrong. Im incredibly embarrassed but I’m too far in to go back and rewrite now so!!!! Wish me fuckin' luck, my dudes!! Enjoy some retcon for my ignorance and convenience!!!

There were several things so engrained into your brain that you would never forget the sensation of them, no matter how much time had passed. Your baby sister’s shrill cry as she entered the world, your father and the town doctor coming too late after your mother entered labor and having had to help her deliver the infant yourself. The smile on your fathers face after the end of the long day that was the grand opening of his bakery in Shiganshina. The sound of rock exploding and wood splintering. The screams of fellow villagers as they were torn limb from limb. The coppery scent of blood. The sense of loss, aching deep within your bones as you crossed the threshold into Wall Rose as a refugee, alone. The weight of the pen in your hand, nothing to lose and vengeance to gain, as you signed your name, and effectively your life, to the training corps only days later. The burn of your calves and hamstrings as you ran your 30th lap that day, punishment for backtalking a superior officer. The taste of dirt as your face hit the ground for the nth time since you got there, a casualty of sparring. And while it hurt, it only meant you were getting stronger. First the pull around your hips, then tightness that spread down your legs and up your waist as the leather straps bit into your skin. Gently, you engaged and disengaged certain muscles as your feet were lifted from the ground, relying only on your own center of gravity as you were suspended, not falling or slipping once. The feeling of the wind whipping through your hair as you flied for the first time through the trees of the training ground, the rush of the air in your lungs, the elation at the illusion of freedom. The pride that swelled in your chest, wishing your parents and sister could see you now, graduating number two in your class. Yet again the weight of a pen as you signed your name, and effectively your life, over to the Survey Corps.

The horrible mixture of dread and excitement as you stood side by side with your fellow comrades while a man with striking blue eyes and incredibly thick eyebrows took his place on a podium in front of you to welcome you.

It was your first night in the Survey Corps, your new, more specialized training would start tomorrow. It would show you all how to work together in squads, how the different formations worked, and after seeing how each of your performed they would assign you to a squad. But for now, everyone was thrown together for dinner, new cadets huddling together at the select few tables, hunched over their food and whispering among themselves as the veterans cast looks across the room and over their shoulders, no doubt casting bets as to the outcome of the following days. Who would get sorted where, who would get their ass kicked for insubordination, who would get knocked down several pegs for their cocky behavior, things like that. Who could blame them? They could die any day out beyond the walls, might as well have some stupid fun in the meantime.

“I still can’t believe you chose the Survey Corps,” Another cadet, Amalia, said as she plopped down next to where you were sitting and pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Why is that?” You asked, frowning as you looked up from your plate in front of you.

“You could be living in luxury! Not probably dying on your first time outside of the walls!” She whispered incredulously, and a few other people along the table agreed with her. “You’re number two in our class, you could be an MP!”

You would be number one if that bastard James didn’t mess with your equipment the day of examination, causing you to falter and look like you couldn’t handle working under pressure. But you weren’t about to raise a stink about it considering you still not only were in the top ten, but top two.

“You know why.” At this point you had already explained to them why you had joined the military, and you were quite sick of people questioning your decisions. They knew it was a sore subject, yet they persisted. Some people just didn’t know how to read a room, you reasoned with yourself. “And I would appreciate it if everyone would stop questioning it.”

The tone of your voice left no room for further conversation on the matter, and the sternness in it caught the attention of the veterans sitting closer to your table, who then adjusted their bets accordingly.

Annoyed, you waited until at least two other new recruits had finished their meal and left the mess hall before leaving promptly. You did not want to be the first to leave and draw even more unwanted negative attention to yourself, but you also did not want to seem like a coward who waited for someone else to make the first move, so you decided third was your best bet.

That night, you slept fitfully. Sleep wasn’t your strong suit to begin with, but knowing that the next days result would play a major part in whether or not you got to exact your revenge was more than a little anxiety inducing.

So the next morning, you carefully adjusted your straps, yanked your boots on, pulled on your new jackets adorned with the Wings of Freedom, and went down to the training grounds.

Taking your place among the cadets that were already there, you waited. You didn’t make many friends in your years in the training corps, and the few people you were closer to went to the garrison, deciding that while they still wanted to fight for humanity, that they didn’t want to get up close and personal with the creatures on the other side of the walls. So with them gone, while you knew the people that surrounded you, you wouldn’t call them friends, so you didn’t make conversation.

It wasn’t long before the rest of the cadets joined you and took their places in the group, and moments after that, the three people who were introduced as squad leaders the previous day and the commander took their place at the front of the gathering of cadets.

You took in each person as they stood in front of you. Mike, the tall man with a serious face and hard eyes, he took his time as he looked at all of the new recruits individually, sniffing the air occasionally. When his eyes came close to your direction, you averted your own before they could meet, not wanting him to see an unrelenting stare as disrespectful. Next your eyes landed on Hange Zoe, the woman had a wild look in her eyes, adjusting her glasses as she also looked out to you all, and you didn’t have a chance to look away before her eyes flicked to your own. You almost panicked, but she gave you a wide smile. Though you admit that maybe that made you panic more but in a different way. Though you couldn’t help the slight and brief uptick in your lips as you averted your eyes. Lastly among the squad leaders, there was Captain Levi. You had heard many whispers about him throughout your time in the military. ‘Humanities Strongest’ they always said. Some talked about his harshness, some talked about his handsomeness, some never shut up about how they wanted to be like him some day. Luckily, he looked straight forwards, paying no mind to any of the recruits so you didn’t risk any mistakes of possible offense.

You had had your fair share of punishments for insubordination thus far in your military career and, based on what you’ve heard about him, the last thing you wanted was to start your first day of Survey Corps training pissing him off.

When your gaze finally reached Erwin, he was just beginning to speak, informing you all of the plan for the days to come. The first few days would essentially be a redo of your final examinations, seeing the strong points of each soldier for their own eyes. Then after they were sorted into their squads, they would begin that squads specific training.

As Erwin was talking, you couldn’t help yourself but to shift your gaze next to the short man who stood next to the commander. As if that if you stared at him long enough, you could somehow unlock the secret to his strength.

You wanted to be strong. You needed to be strong. You needed to forget the sound of your families screams as the echoed through your ears, the rocks and pebbles under your bare feet as your sprinted to the nearest safe point, a limp toddler in your arms. You wanted to erase those memories, replacing them with the feeling of slicing away flesh of a nape, a triumphant cry leaving your lips. Replace the feeling of loneliness with that of freedom, your stomach dropping from g-force as you flipped through the air rather than the ache of loss.

For a while, you had wanted to die. The guilt of being your bloodlines sole survivor weighed heavy on your shoulders, keeping you up at night as you laid on the military issue cot. You wanted to die for your family, for humanity, resigned that that was your fate, because in your mind, that was what you deserved. But as you trained and got stronger, that sorrow turned into something more. Anger began bubbling up from the pit in your stomach, anger that began to fuel everything you did. You trained harder, longer, with more passion than before. You were going to take down the beasts that ripped your family from you. And now, understanding even an iota of Captain Levi’s strength would be a great advantage. Knowing his team was the special ops squad, it meant each soldier on it was incredibly adept at the slaughter of titans.

You knew which squad you needed to be in if you wanted to reach your goals.

As if sensing eyes on him, his own set flicked to yours. In a matter of milliseconds you had to make a decision. Hold his gaze and risk being seen as insubordinate or look away quickly and be seen as a coward. His stare was unwavering, no widening or narrowing of his eyes, just impassive, seemingly uncaring. Adrenaline kicked in, but you forced yourself to remain as steady. It may seem trivial to an outsider, but when your entire self-purpose was riding on making in the military, getting outside the walls, and killing titans. If Levi’s squad was your best chance at that, you could not risk it.

So you held his gaze for two beats before looking down, then back up at Erwin as he spoke.

It was only a few seconds later that you were separated into groups to begin your reassessment. First they would be assessing your abilities by yourself, and after that, how you worked within a group.

“Don’t choke this time,” Stefan, number 11 in your class and more than a bit bitter about it, whispered in your ear as you made your way to the groupings of trees near the training ground.

You snarled a curse in response, making sure no one was looking before delivering a swift elbow to his rib cage, satisfied when he let out a hiss of pain.

“One by one, each of you will go through the course provided, we will be following along and taking notes on your abilities.” Mike spoke loudly after attaching 3DM gear to his harness. “So line up and we will begin.”

The line formed immediately, the authority in his voice called for no dilly-dallying, and you found yourself near the back of the group. Not quite the back, but not quite the center. You had wanted to get to be closer to the front, right before the middle of the line. That way you weren’t one of the first, but also you were still earlier enough that if their attention were to wane in the monotony of it, you were when their minds were still fresh. It was important to make a good impression, but you reassured yourself that even if you didn’t do well in the individual category there was still the team one.

Slowly, the line in front of you dwindled, and it was finally going to be your turn.

“Your name, solider.” Mike said, it was a demand, not a question.

You saluted and gave your name.

“Ah, the number two of your class,” He gave a not quite kind smile, “Definitely surprising to see someone with your rank amongst our new recruits.”

You stayed quiet, there was no question for you to respond to. If you went forward to explain yourself when they did not ask, it would be improper, you reasoned. Speak when spoken to.

“Yeah, why is that?” Hange asked, tilting her head in a curious manor.

“I’m from Shiganshina.” Was all you said. Hopefully that would be enough to satisfy them without having to give too much away. They were your superior officers, not your friends to confide in. If you went further, it may seem like you were looking for some form of pity, which you weren’t. You were here to fight, and by the walls, were you going to.

Luckily, it seemed it was enough. 3 of the 4 heads nodded in understanding, and you were expecting them to send you to the course then, but a voice spoke up. It was cold, deep, and rattled you to your bones.

“So you decided that since they didn’t eat you the first chance they got, you’d give the titans a second?”

You snapped your head to look at him, eyes no doubt wide in not only shock but a bit of outrage and offense. Though you quickly schooled your features back into place. This was a test. 

“ _I_ was given a second chance that day, and I will use it to fight for our freedom. I decided I will avenge the family I lost. I will fight to remain alive. I will fight for humanity; the dead and the living.” You remember the sound of exploding rock, splintering wood, the smell of coppery blood, the warmth of it on your skin, the rubbery feeling of cold flesh as you held the child to your chest, the screams of innocent civilians echoing in your ears. You would avenge what you had lost. 

Your voice was strong, it gave credence to your words, articulated the horrors you saw that day and why you chose the path you did.

Seemingly satisfied, he nodded once and everyone turned their back to walk to the assessment course and you thanked whatever deity was out there while you followed closely behind.

“You will be timed. Things that will be taken into consideration are how many ‘titans’ you ‘kill’, how deep your cuts are, your maneuverability, how quickly you can think on your feet, and tracking them down within the trees.” Hange spoke this time, securing her glasses on her face properly as you readied yourself. “You may begin.”

Barely had the last syllable left her mouth that you had taken off with a shriek of your cables and a streak of smoke.

 _'Alright, I have to find the first one fast. No doubt the first few will be in the easier places but will get harder as the course goes on. If I find the earlier ones quickly, it will give me more time to find the others I have to be fast'._ You thought to yourself as you whipped through the branches. Launching through the woods, you did you best to ignore the sound of your commanding officers cables as they followed behind, instead pretending they were your fellow cadets and you were back in the training corps, all doing your best to get better and make a good impression. Swinging around a tree, you spotted the first titan, turning back and forth as a veteran pulled the ropes to make it rotate. You pulled your left trigger, the anchor landing in a trunk directly behind the titan. You had found aiming for anchors behind the target rather than in the target itself gave you more momentum as well, and while being pulled past it, you’d slice the nape and then be moving on quickly. When you anchored on the nape, you found that having that as your stopping point gave you less strength behind the cut. Early on in your training, you learned you weren’t as physically strong as most of the rest of the top ten, and it was because of this that you mastered a few tricks to make up for it. Also when anchoring in the neck, you found that that slowed you down, but anchoring in something behind meant that you were being swung into the next motion easier, moving forward quicker. Your quickness was your strong point; quickness on your feet, quickness with your 3DM gear, and quickness of your mind.

Locking your blades together, you made contact with the fake titan, slicing deep into the nape, and before the foam even hit the forest floor, you had your sights set on the next one a few hundred meters away.

 _'Faster' _,__ you told yourself as you counted the seconds in the back of your head, _ _you must be faster.__

_'If only you’d been faster.'_

It had been too long since you last saw one of the fake titans, and it was beginning to make you nervous. _'Had I made a wrong turn? Am I going the wrong way?'_ You thought as you zipped through the forest, running over branches and sending cables flying.

Finally, you saw the end of the course and the last titan. You launched your left cable high into the tree above and behind it, but as you were nearing it, the veteran controlling the wooden titan yanked it suddenly, sending it the opposite way for where you were set up to slice it. Quickly, you released the anchor, but with the momentum still enough to push you through the air in the same direction. Then, you sent out the right cable, high up into the canopy, pulling you well up above the titan. When you reached the peak of your ascent and were lined up directly on top of the titan, you retracted the cable again, allowing yourself to freefall. You locked your blades together again and, a millisecond before you made contact with the foam, cast both your cables in the direction of the finish. In doing that, you pulled your blades across the nape, and were gone from the scene in a split second.

 _'Too slow.'_ Panting, as you placed your blades back where they belonged on your sides and straightened up when you heard the captains and commanders land a few seconds later.

“Wow, you’re quick!” Hange exclaimed as her feet hit the ground. “I could barely keep up!”

Mike nodded in agreement and Erwin looks down at his watch, “It seems you was the fastest today. Actually, I think you may have broken the record for new recruits on this specific course.” He looked up at you, “Good job, cadet.”

You said a small thanks before you were dismissed, walking back to where the rest of the cadets to await the next assignment.   
-

Your group was decent, you thought as you surveyed the 3 other people. But Stefan was in your group, unfortunately, and not only did he have the ever-present chip on his shoulder, he was still pissed about the elbow to the ribs. _'That’s what you get for being a jackass.'_ You told yourself, restraining yourself from rolling your eyes.

“Alright, so here’s the plan.” Stefan started, deciding he would be the one to take charge.

You’ll be taking orders as part of a squad, you told yourself as the impulse to rebel against his commands reared an ugly head. Granted, you'd be receiving those orders from a squad leader and not from a peer who ranked lower than you, but this assessment was just a means to an end. Though that didn't stop his need to take charge and seem important from grating on your nerves.

“You and you,” He pointed to your two other teammates, Emery and Karl, “You’ll go for the ankles. Number two,” God, you hated being called that, “You’ll go for the eyes. And I,” He puffed his chest up, jabbing his thumb into it. “Will finish it with the cut to the nape.”

“Why you?” Emery snapped, obviously upset that the other would be taking the ‘kill’ for himself.

“Yeah!” Karl joined in, raising his voice slightly. “Why do you get to?”

Stefan obviously took personal offence to this, opening his mouth to start to defend himself, loudly no doubt, but before he could you cut in. This entire thing was a test, and you had a sneaking suspicion that the assessment started long before you would get to the course.

“It doesn’t matter who makes the final kill so long as it gets taken down. Out there,” You pointed in the direction of Wall Rose, and the breached Wall Maria outside of it, “It doesn’t matter so long as it’s dead and we are alive. So you should start practicing that mindset now. And if it matters that much, I’m sure Stefan wouldn’t mind rotating which person does what, so we all get a chance at practicing different positions in the team. Right?” You turned to him, eyes flashing in a way that left little room to argue.

“Yeah, sure.” He grumbled, so long as he considered himself the leader of this group, he was fine.

Sighing in relief, you turned your eyes to the other two again, squashing any argument that still might be in them before double checking your equipment again and filling up on gas and blades. You were ignorant to the set of grey eyes watching the exchange.  
-

The four of you were in the air, looking around for your first titan to appear.

“Got one, 10 o’clock!” You called out as you saw a flash of the wood cutout between the trees. At the new information, your team changed direction accordingly, with you leading. This time, with your objective for the eyes, you sent your cables directly into them, landing perpendicular to the face and sinking your blades in for good measure. As your swords made contact, you shot your cables again behind you, getting off the thing quickly before the ankles were sliced. Lastly, the nape was taken out.

It didn’t take long before two more fake titans were 'killed', and it was your turn to finish it. But as you were closing in on it, Stefan, who was designated to be the one to take out the eyes this time, decided he would also go for the neck. In a matter of a second you went from zipping towards the neck by a cable, only to having said cable accidentally be cut in a flurry of your teammates blades, no doubt trying to look cool with fancy sword work. Unaware of his folly, he stood triumphantly on the foam as you went hurtling towards the wooden cutout and losing height fast.

The panic set in quickly, almost causing you to freeze up. But you pulled the trigger for the cord that wasn’t cut, and it yanked you upwards on your original path. The path that Stefan was now standing it. The two of you collided painfully, and because you were still being pulled forwards and he was no longer attached to anything, he was knocked off the platform. It was his turn to freefall, yelling loudly. With that being the last titan and half of your gear being useless, you dropped one of your swords. With your now empty hand, you caught his ankle, holding steadfast despite your screaming shoulder muscles. When you had landed above a branch on a tree close by and were confident that he’d land on the branch beneath you, you dropped him.

“Ouch, what the fuck!” He snapped at you, getting up quickly as you released your cable to drop down gracefully next to him.

“Don’t you ‘what the fuck’, me,” You glared as he stalked closer, but you stopped him before he could yell at you more as a realization dawned on you. You held up a hand to cut him off, “We’re still being timed and assessed, we need to go,” The 3 squad leader and commander had landed close by and were watching intently, Mike had even opened his mouth to speak before you managed to get the last sentence out. “Let’s go!” You shouted to the other two teammates, who had looks of shock, concern, and outrage on their face. They looked between the two of you and then themselves first but they nodded, listening to your orders. Once they both had send themselves forward towards the end, you shot one last look to your final teammate and followed suit. It was harder to maneuver with only having one cord, but you managed. You spend a lot of time balancing between shooting high and wide, retracting the single cable once you were at a peak of an ascent and then quickly launching it back out before you lost too much height in your free fall. The entire incident added a decent chunk of time to your run, unfortunately, a fact that ate at you a bit.

_'If only I was faster.'_

Once you landed safe on the ground, you rolled your shoulder in its socket. Catching your much larger teammate by the ankle while being pulled in the opposite direction did a number on the joint and you knew it would be sore for a while. But your thoughts were torn away from how your plan of physical therapy by the voice of your teammate.

“Let me ask again, what the fuck! You dropped me!” Stefan started, coming towards you again.

“I also saved you from falling because you and I both know your slow minded ass wouldn’t think quick enough to save yourself.” You snapped back, not letting the larger man intimidate you into backing down, especially over something that was his fault. “Not to mention, you went against your own plan! What was that even? Trying to show off? You cut my fucking cable! Imagine what would have happened if we were out past the walls!”

“Enough.” The command was enough to snap both of your heads to the direction it came from.

Dread filled your stomach, _'I fucked up.'_

“I’m sorry, sir!” Immediately, You stepped away from Stefan and stood at attention.

Stefan mumbled an apology as your other two teammates joined you and lined up together.

“Do you want to explain what just happened?” Captain Levi spoke again.

"I'm sorry, sir,-" You started to reply, ready to take responsibility for dropping your teammate and then being vocally hostile with him but you were cut off before you could continue.

“I’m not talking to you,” He flicked his eyes back to the eleventh member of your class. “I’m talking to _you _.”__

He sputtered, unsure how to answer the small yet incredibly intimidating man.

“I-I saw the kill, and I went for it.” He tried to explain.

“This was a team work assessment, was it not?” His stare never wavered.

“It was,” He nodded nervously.

“And I distinctly remember hearing you tell your teammates the plan of two for the ankles, one to the eyes, and one to the nape, is that correct? As Second Place stated just a moment ago, that was your plan, right?”

While you hated being called that, pride swelled in your chest at the validation that the test started long before you were in the trees.

“Y-yes.”

“But you felt that you should go against that without bothering to tell your teammates, flail around like an animal and cut their cable, and send them falling to possible injury?”

Stefan didn’t respond, only opened and shut his mouth in a manor that reminded you of a fish.

“Well?” the captain made sure he was getting an answer to his question. There were few things he hated more than a disregard for human life, especially teammates. Comrades were supposed to trust each other, not inadvertently sabotage each other for their own ego.

“I didn’t think th-”

“No, you didn’t think.” He cut the cadet off, “She was right earlier too. It doesn’t matter who goes in for the kill, so long at those fuckers die and humanity survives. If your teammates die because you tried to do some fancy shit and failed, their blood is on your hands and you’re just as culpable as those disgusting monsters.” He narrowed his eyes, letting his words lay heavy on the younger man’s shoulders before stepping back and letting his fellow officers speak of the assessment.

-

After, you returned to the training grounds with your team, congratulating Emery and Karl and thanking them for their help, glad that they had listened to you to finish out the course. You rolled your shoulder again as you walked and reached up to rub it softly, making a note to work it out later that night. It was then that you felt as though someone was watching, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up. Glancing around, you made eye contact with the black haired captain. You dropped your hand from your shoulder and averted your eyes, not wanting to show you were hurt. Especially not now on the first real day of being a survey corps cadet.

“She’s interesting, that one.” Hange remarked, stepping in time with the other captain as they walked towards the next group. “Do you think you’ll want her for your squad? She seems like she has the potential. Quick, very quick. I also appreciate how she handled that little incident. Making them finish the course rather than halting it because of that cocky bastard’s screw up.”

“Yeah, she’s interesting alright. We’ll see.” He nodded, eyes finally leaving you to look at the new set of four cadets.  
-

That night when you couldn’t sleep, careful as to not wake your bunkmate, you quietly strapped shoes on and went to the training grounds. Running laps to build up your stamina and stopping and doing pushups or sit-ups after every few. The extra training served two purposes, making you stronger, and exhausting yourself to the point where you could finally get some shut eye. As you jogged in the dark, there was no way of knowing if anyone was keeping a watchful eye on the new cadet breaking curfew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please leave comments! I love constructive comments, either good or criticism!  
> I also definitely googled 'german names' while making the side characters since this starts off a few years before Eren's group comes onto the scene.


	2. Spoken Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a grief that can't be spoken.  
> Dreams are a hard commodity to come by. 
> 
> Shouldn't you know better than to make deals with Devils?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter is definitely half a Les mis reference that will be touched upon again dont hate me pls  
> Also, I DEFINITELY forgot there was already a side character named what I had named my own antagonistic side character, so I changed his name to Stefan, so thats who that is. 
> 
> I’m sorry for all those Oluo stans out there, but I made him kind of a jerk at first, but he gets better, I promise!
> 
> 4/6/2020 Edit: I’m not gonna lie to yall, its been SOOOO long since I read the beginning chapters about recruitment and got SOOO many things wrong. Im incredibly embarrassed but I’m too far in to go back and rewrite now so!!!! Wish me fuckin' luck, my dudes!! Enjoy some retcon for my ignorance and convenience!!!

The next morning, you rose before your bunkmate, dressing and making your way down to the mess hall for breakfast. You retrieved food you weren’t quite sure qualified as edible, but you shoveled it in your mouth, nevertheless, watching as blurry eyed cadets and veterans shuffled in. The day would be spent with normal training, giving the officers a day to sort out which squad they though each cadet would be best suited for. Then they would spend the following few weeks training with their assigned squad before the next expedition.

“I heard Stefan caused quite the ruckus yesterday,” Amalia yet again plopped herself down next to you, grinning slyly.

You half smiled, taking a sip of your tea. “That’s one word for it,”

“What happened?” She implored, leaning forward in interest.

Gossip was well and fun, who didn’t enjoy a juicy little secret, or the supposed truth behind a rumor? So you explained what happened, no embellishments, no exaggerations, just the facts about the situation as they were. When she scoffed and rolled her eyes, sending a glare over the man and you couldn’t help but smile at the reaction. You two made conversation through the rest of the meal, which made you happy, considering you did feel slightly lonely since your friends left for the garrison, but you had hopes that maybe you could be friendly with your squad mates, wherever you were sorted.

The day went by quickly and you lost count on how many times you had thrown your comrades over your shoulders in sparring and how many foam napes you had slashed. Before you knew it, it was time to sleep and you snuck your way down to the training field again after you thought everyone was sufficiently asleep and wouldn’t take notice.

Panting after finishing your last lap, you dropped down to do your final set of push-ups before calling it a night.

“Already breaking rules? I saw some marks for insubordination in your file, but I didn’t think you’d pick up on that streak so early in your career here.” He clicked his tongue, stepping from the shadows he had remained shrouded in and into the dim light the almost full moon above gave off. Before you registered that another person was there, he had ready planted a boot in the center of your shoulder blades to push you against the ground.

You stifled a gasp to avoid inhaling dirt. It had truly been a long time since you had tasted it but the memory was still ingrained into your brain.

“I’m sorry, sir!” You call out, turning your head to avoid a possible broken nose from the pressure and to look up at him.

  
He pushed out air from his nose, which you interpreted to be a slight scoff. “Why are you out here?”

_‘_ I thought I’d take a leisurely stroll under the moonlight, what does it look like I am doing?’ You sarcastically retort in your head, fully aware how much of a sweaty mess you must look after running how many laps you did. Sweat that was no doubt causing dirt and grime to cling to your skin.

“I couldn’t sleep so I wanted to train more. I did not mean any disrespect, sir.”

“Tsk, I’m sure. I normally assign laps as punishment but seeing as you’re out here doing them on your own volition, I think you’d enjoy it too much. You’ll finish out the rest of the week with stable duty.” Captain Levi said decisively, stepping off your back carefully and turning to walk back towards the buildings of the base but paused before continuing to speak, “I’ll have you know, for future reference, I don’t appreciate insubordination within my squad, brat.” And with that, he left.

When his back was fully turned, you slowly moved to sit up on your heals and stand. It was only when he was a few paces away did the words sink in. Did he just imply that you were on his squad? Butterflies shot alive in your stomach, but you squashed them down before they truly had a chance to take flight. He was probably just making some point. You reasoned, not wanting to get your hopes up and risk disappointment.

“Get inside, cadet!” The captain called over his shoulder firmly, causing you to take off in a jog towards your barracks with a ‘yes, sir!’  
You had gotten off easy, for some reason, and you weren’t about to push you luck now.

Luckily the laps and such were enough to tire you out to the point of a deep and dreamless sleep. Though most of your sleep was dreamless, fortunately. You didn’t want to think of the nightmares that may haunt you if your brain chose to give you dreams. When you woke up the next morning, your roommate was just stirring.

At breakfast, it was your turn to sit down next to Amalia.

“You’re up early.” You comment, the obvious question of why implied within your tone.

“I’m just nervous about what they thought of me.” She shrugged, looking down at her porridge. “My team didn’t do too well, and I am worried it will put me in a more dangerous place.”

“This is the survey corps, everywhere is dangerous,” You half laugh, attempting to be comforting, but you don’t think it had the affect you wanted it to, based on the look on her face. “I’m sure you did fine. You’re ranking isn’t anything to sneeze at, you were within the top twenty out of how many hundreds of us, I think that speaks for something.” That seemed to calm her down significantly and with a soft smile, you give her a pat on the shoulder before you began to down your own grey gruel that just barely passed for breakfast.

By then, almost the rest of the corps had wandered in while you were eating with Amalia and you listened to her talk. You were about to respond to a question she had asked when a deep and cold voice that you were now growing accustomed to cut through the noise.

“Oi, I thought I gave you stable duty. What the fuck are you doing in here?” Captain Levi asked, staring down at you. He may not have the height to make you feel small, but damn, did he make you feel tiny.

And with that, you had your dishes cleaned up and were out the door in a matter of seconds. The farthest thing on your mind being the looks of inquiry and whispers as to what you, the number two of your class, had done between training with everyone yesterday and that morning that had gotten The Captain Levi to give you personally stable duty. A couple people shot Amalia questioning looks but she just shrugged, just as confused as they were.

“Oh yeah, she’s quick,” Hange laughed with delight as Levi sat down next to her, “Took off like a bolt of lightning. What did she do already?”

“Caught her running laps and doing pushups on the training grounds in the dead of the fucking night last night,” He elaborated as he took a sip of the tea he procured before he sat down.

Hange frowned at that, what a bizarre reason to break curfew. Not even doing anything particularly fun or interesting, just condition training.

What an odd young woman, she thought to herself.

-

After shoveling dung and used mulch, replacing it with new, clean, mulch, and giving each of the horses some hay to munch on, you made your way to the training grounds for the results of you examination.

“What on earth did you do that had Captain Levi punishing you on the 3rd day?” Amalia whispered harshly to you as you took your place next to her in the crowd.

After you shook your head in a way that said, ‘don’t even ask’, she dropped it, much to your appreciation.

It was quick, if you were being honest. Some were sent to the medical unit and some that expressed curiosity in the titans were sent to research. People who were less combat inclined were sent to units in charge of supplies, while others while others who scored higher were put in the formation where they would have a chance to fight the beasts. Meanwhile while all this happened, the group in the names left on your mental list ticked ever smaller. Finally, it was just your name left, and needless to say, anxiety had settled itself deep in your stomach at this point. You didn’t think something as trivial as a curfew break would cause a problem in your placement, but when you’re nervous your mind can’t help to just to any possible conclusion, even if it may be the worst possible one.

“And Y/N L/N,” Erwin’s voice boomed over the group. At this point, it was obvious you were the last one left and heads turned to look at you with curiosity. You waited for him to finish but he didn’t, someone else doing it for him.

“You’ll be with me.” Levi’s voice cut through the silence.

You had to stop yourself from either letting your jaw drop in shock or smiling in glee. You had done it. Well, not quite yet, you had to see how you fit in with the other members of his squad. If you didn’t work well with them, you’d no doubt get pushed off to Mike’s squad in a heartbeat.

After that, you all went your separate ways towards your new squads, ready to learn the ways of the Survey Corps.

“C’mon, brat, follow me, time to meet the rest of the squad,” Still in awe that you had made it, you followed dumbly behind. You trailed after him to a training area off to the side of the rest. After a moment, you walked up upon a group of four people. Of course, you knew all their names already, the Special Ops squad was famous among anyone wanting to go into the survey corps, but you waited for them to introduce themselves anyways. It was then that Captain Levi was called away briefly for a request of the Commander, leaving you along with your four new squad mates.

“First time we’ve gotten someone new here for a while, welcome and good job,” Petra smiled at you and you smiled back with words of thank you. She reminded you of someone you couldn’t quite place. Maybe it was the hair. After introducing themselves, they asked you why you decided to join the corps and you gave your go to explanation, just that you were from Shiganshina and thankfully, unlike their captain, they took that as an answer, giving you solemn but understanding looks.

“Alright enough with this chit-chat shit, I want to see what you can really do. Or if the word about you is all talk and you’re just as useless as the rest of them.” Oluo said harshly, leaning in close to your face so much so you turned your head to the side slightly to get some semblance of your personal bubble back. If you weren’t so disturbed, you’d have taken flattery from the fact that meant people were talking about your skills, but your attention was too preoccupied for that.

“Back off, don’t be so harsh!” Petra hit him with an elbow to the ribs. You liked how she locked her hands together and used her opposite arm to support the hit, you’d have to file that one away for later.

“Besides, if she’s here, that means something.” Eld pitched in. Which was true, Special Ops were what they were for a reason, and that then meant you were here for a reason.

“Are you questioning my judgement, Oluo?” The captains voice rang from behind the squad, causing all of them to snap their heads to look at him.

Oluo had the decency to look sheepish, “No, sir. I was just hazing the newbie, is all.”

Levi clicked his tongue, he normally had no problem with soldiers playing rough, but when his judgement was called into question, it did piss him off.

The rest of the day was spent with the six of you going out to the forest where you had tested and running through drills, seeing where you’d fit within the squad best. Each of the members had their own unique way of working, you figured out quickly. Oluo had the highest number of solo kills out of the normal squad members, meanwhile Petra had the highest amount of assists. Eld was the second in command, so him giving orders through the training was natural and you followed them exactly. You were the quickest of them, but you weren’t used to fighting within a team, so your actions were clumsy and lacked the fluidity they possessed. Though they understood, they had been a team for years and this was your first day with them. You spent hours upon hours up in the trees, Levi and Eld barking orders and criticisms and it wasn’t until the sun was three quarters of the way through the sky that you realized you had worked through lunch and it would almost be dinner time and that you had been working so hard you didn’t even register the growl in your stomach.

The group was taking a break, catching your breaths and getting water before running through a few more drills and then heading back to base.

“You have a lot of potential!” Petra grinned as he sat down next to you in the soft grass.

“Thank you, you’re all incredible, it’s truly an honor to work with you.” Wiping sweat from your brow, you smiled back at her softly and decided that you liked the woman. Her

kindness was genuine, and it seemed like she was happy that the Special Ops squad would no longer be a boy’s club.

“Alright, time to stop jerking each other off and get back to work,” Levi called to the two of you before taking to the sky.

“You’ll probably ride with us on the first expedition but won’t be very involved in very much of the action, we want you exposed to real combat before we throw you in on the serious formations and such.” Eld explained as you walked back towards the base a few hours later.

“Yeah we don’t want you pissing yourself the first time you see a titan!” Oluo boisterously laughed and you frowned and opened your mouth to speak but were cut off before you could.

“Oh, like you did, Oluo?” Eld teased, shoving his shoulder lightly.

“I’ve seen titans before.” You said softly after Oluo had quit squawking in outrage and the others had stopped laughing.  
They all stopped at that, remembering where you had said you were from. You guessed he wasn’t paying much attention, considering right after you said it, he had gotten into your face.

“I-I’m sorry,” The man said, and you made note that it was the first time he had apologized. After that, a silence fell across the group.  
Dinner went by easily, Levi sat with the rest of the officers while the squad ate together. You made idle talk, asking about where each of them was from and how they ended up in the Corps. Oluo was kinder, you noticed, his mess up big enough to knock him down a couple of pegs. When he wasn’t being rude and trying to imitate the captain, as Petra pointed out that he did, he was an alright guy.

-

After laying down in bed that night, you grinned to yourself and stifled a delighted squeal. You did it. You thought, You made Levi squad . This will give me my best chances of taking down those horrid fuckers that tore my life apart. After you had calmed down, you attempted to sleep, but only tossing and turning as the time drifted by. Not wanting to risk getting caught again, you didn’t sneak out and break curfew to tire yourself out with running and working out and just tried to force yourself to go to sleep. But sleep never came. Stable duty wasn’t that bad, you reasoned with yourself, but the Captain also scolded me as a member of his squad, and I don’t want to risk more insubordination write ups. He’d maybe even kick me off or pull me from the expedition. Sighing to yourself, you made the decision to follow orders.

-

The following morning, you woke up early from what could only be considered a nap and went down first to the stables and then to the mess hall.  
When you got to the mess hall, you sat down next to Petra again. She greeted you with a warm smile and you returned it. She enjoyed asking questions about you, and it was nice for someone to try and get to know you, especially considering how much time you’d be spending together. Over the course of the meal, the rest of your squad mates as well as captain sat down at the table, the teammates joining in on the conversation. Eventually, Petra got up the nerve to ask about your family and if they had made it out of the fall of the wall and apologized when you said they didn’t.

“It’s okay, it’s been three years.” You smiled reassuringly, but it still stung. The memories of their screams and your sister’s cold flesh against your skin still burned bright in the forefront of your mind sometimes, but it was getting easier.

'If only I'd been faster.'

You don’t remember how long you held onto her despite her being gone. You think all of the soldiers manning the refugee points just figured the child was sleeping or incredibly well behaved, and it took one of your neighbors who survived and knew your fussy sister’s behavior better to know something was very wrong.

-

You were getting better, your fluidity with the team improving. You took orders easily, blending in their formations to take down fake titans. They were nothing like the real thing, they assured you, but you didn’t need them telling you to know that. You saw their erratic movements; how large they were but how quick they could be despite that. How could you forget? It was burned into your mind. There were a few of you in the Corps who lived in the city at the time of the breach, and you all knew too well that the wood and the foam could not compare to the real beasts.

-

Sleep never came easy to you, even before the massacre. Your sleep schedule was nothing if not completely skewed since you were an early teen, though it helped that you family owned a bakery, so you’d be waking up long before dawn to start the dough and batter. But there was no way in hell that you were going to risk getting yanking pulled from the expedition for insubordination. So you suffered through it. The waking hours laying staring at the ceiling with nothing but your memories, your regrets, and your thoughts of vengeance.

-

A few days passed and it was finally the end of the week, where on the weekend you’d get one day of no training but all the chores on the base, and then one day free to do whatever you wanted. After finishing up at the stables, which you admittedly did not mind, you like horses and backbreaking manual labor was never a problem for you, you walked towards breakfast. But, before you got there, another soldier stopped you.

“You’re cadet Y/L of Special Ops, right?” He asked, papers in hand.

“That’s correct,” You responded with a frown.

“Perfect, I was just on my way to give these to Captain Levi, could you drop them off to him? They’re from the commander.” He asked quickly, holding the papers out to you.

Nodding, you took the papers and went in the direction of where he told you the Captain’s office was.

You knocked on the door and explained who you were and why you were there when he called out for your name and business.

“Come in,” He called back, not looking up from the papers he was already reading when you entered. It was only when you reached them out to hand to him that he looked up and gave the slightest frown. “You look like shit.”

“I-“ You started, but didn’t know what to say. How does one properly respond to their commanding officer telling them they look like shit? 'Maybe if you hadn’t busted me for curfew I’d be sleeping better and wouldn’t look like shit.' You don’t know how many hours of sleep you’ve gotten total since you were reprimanded for your curfew breaking, but you were pretty sure you could count them on one hand.

“Dismissed.” He said before you could say anything else and you turned and left the room.

Apparently, everyone else thought the same thing because, when got down to the mess hall, your squad mates gave you looks of concern.

“You alright, Y/N? You look kind of sick.” Gunther asked as he took a sip of water and the others said small words of agreement.

“Just having trouble sleeping.” You explain then chuckle softly, “In the training corps, I’d do some extra training after curfew and everyone was asleep to tire myself out a bit more, and that always did the trick. But the Captain busted me for it a few days ago so I haven’t been able to.”

“That explains why you’re on stable duty. We were all curious about that.” Eld spoke up next. “You shot out of here like a bullet the other day when Captain Levi ‘reminded’ you about it.”

You laughed with them, remembering that you no doubt looked foolish scrambling out of there like an animal with its tail caught on fire.

-

Just like the stables, you didn’t mind the chores. Plus it helped that Petra put herself in the same area as you so you could talk as you worked. Dusting while she swept, you laughed lightly at a joke she made at Gunther’s expense. Really, could spiking his hair like that give him better aerodynamics? You didn’t know, but it was a damn funny thought.

“So what was your family like?” She asked after a moment of quiet and you had settled down.

“Ah,” You paused, trying to find the words to articulate well enough. It had been so long since you had talked about them to another person that you had never really had the need to describe them. “My father was a kind but disciplined man. He worked as carpenter for years until he saved up enough money to follow his dream and open a bakery. I was 10, I think, when he got it. I think it takes a great bit of discipline to get up as early as he did to bake before the day started. I loved it. We lived above the store and so the mornings were always warm and smelled of fresh baked bread. When I got old enough, he’d come and wake me and we’d work together.” You tossed a grin over your shoulder, “I blame him for my absolutely fucked sleep schedule. But I digress. My mother was lovely. They thought she was infertile for the longest time, so my sister and I were both ‘miracle babies’ she called us. Which is also why my sister and I were so many years apart. But she treated us like miracles, and we were absolutely spoiled with love. My sister was definitely my mother’s kid. She was a doll, but she could be a little hellion at times. Though I suppose every kid could. I practically helped raise her. She followed me everywhere essentially, it was like having a second shadow. She was five, when the wall was breached. For some reason, you kind of remind me of her. Your hair color is quite similar and you both have those types of eyes where the stars like to dance in them.” Sighing deeply, you smiled to yourself more than anyone and missed the look of surprise that cost Petra’s face. “I miss them dearly. I know it’s silly, but I like to talk to them at night. I told them about you all, and I’d like to think they’d be proud of me for where I am and how far I’ve come.” You didn’t realize you had started crying until you saw the tear drops land on the tops of your boots as you looked down. You were reminded of the cold before warm arms wrapped around your middle and pulled you into a tight hug before spinning you around.

“I know they’re proud of you, Y/N. And I may be older than you, so I can’t be a little sister, but I can be the best damn older sister you’ll ever have.” The stars you mentioned before danced in her light brown eyes.

“Thank you, Petra, that truly means the world to me.” You smiled back at her and wiped your eyes, before you both went back to work. Apparently right in time too, because Captain Levi stepped in a few seconds alter to check on your work.

Fuck, 'I hope he didn’t hear any of that.' You cringed to yourself at the thought of the serious Captain hearing you pour your heart out to Petra and if he did, you hoped he didn’t think it was weak.

When he deemed the work you had done sufficient, he turned to leave but stopped at the door.

“Cadet Y/L, come see me in my office when you are done.”

'Oh, fuck, what did I do now.' You thought as you ran through all of the things that you could have possibly done to upset the squad leader.

“Yes, sir!” You said quickly after you realized you had taken too long to respond, and he had shot you a raised eyebrow at your silence.

After he left, you looked over at Petra in horror.

“I’m sure its nothing,” She said reassuringly, “It could be something as simple as paperwork for joining the squad. He really isn’t as terrifying as he is made out to be. He just a bit crass.”

“Yeah, sure,” You said softly with a sigh before returning back to your work.

-

The sun was low on the horizon before you finally found yourself standing in front of the captains door for the second time that day.

You gave a few short and quick knocks, calling out that it was you when questioned. When you entered, this time he was looking up from the paperwork in front of him before you approached. The captain nodded to the chair in front of his desk and waited for you to take a seat before he spoke.

“I have a deal for you.” Was all he said at first. His grey eyes bore into yours, pinning you to the chair where you sat, as he set down the papers he had been holding and leaned forward on crossed arms.

“Sir?” You frowned, what on earth could he possibly be talking about.

“Do you want to be able to sleep?”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“Yes?”

“So, let’s make a deal. I let you out on the training grounds after curfew, you help me with this ungodly work-load Eyebrows keeps throwing at me.” He gestured towards the stacks of paperwork on his desk.

“Deal,” You said without a second thought. The tiredness was slowly eating away at you and it had only been a week. You were used to running on only a few hours of sleep a night, but you were getting even less than that now and it was taking a toll on your mind and body. It was only a matter of time before it would start to affect your ability to work properly and may cause issues out on the field.

“You’ll start tomorrow, come back to my office after dinner and I’ll have work set aside for you.” He said before dismissing you to your meal.

“Yes, sir.” You said before he dismissed you. You were halfway through the door before you realized you had a question. “Uh, Sir?” He raised his head and lifted and eyebrow for you to continue. “Will my training ground permissions be effective tonight or tomorrow night then?”

He seemed to think a moment, taking note of the circles under your eyes that seemed more pronounced now in the dimming sunlight streaming in through the window behind his desk.

“Tonight.” He finally responded and you uttered a soft thanks before closing the door behind you.

If he was being honest, he couldn’t put his finger on why he went out of his way to figure out a way to let you on the training grounds after curfew. He had half expected you to not listen to him and continue to do you little nightly solo training sessions, and he was surprised when he glanced out his window the past few nights to not see you out there running laps or doing pushups. It wasn’t that he had expected you to go against direct orders, per se, but you had a small record and breaking curfew was honestly on the very bottom of the lists of offenses. Maybe that was why he was doing it, that he decided you were honest and trustworthy enough to be given the opportunity. There was the fact he truly did care deeply about his comrades and wanted to look out for their well-being, and he didn’t like seeing the way your eyes darkened as the week went by. There was also the issue of if your exhaustion would put your other teammates at risk. You seemed like an honest young woman, and he idly wondered if you’d be upset if you knew he had overheard your conversation with Petra earlier that day. But it was hard to not be moved by a story so tragic, and while some may think so, he wasn't heartless.

That night, you jogged blissfully unaware of the watchful grey eyes trained on you from one of the two lit windows in the barracks that shone through the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Levi this chapter! And a little bit of what he's thinking! I'll get more exciting, I promise. This chapter was still more of a setting everything up to really start than anything else.  
> I hope its moving fast enough to keep you interested!  
> Levi isn't especially cruel to the reader, and I want to continue that. I am really of the firm belief he isn't maliciously cruel without good reason. Like when he kicked Eren's ass, it was for a purpose, and it has been shown time and time before that he does truly care about humanity and about people in general, though he may be mean outwardly. I also tried to not make him overly nice though. 
> 
> Reader still definitely sees him as a superior officer only, not even considering the man more than humanities strongest and someone she takes orders from besides wanting to understand how to kill titans better through him. Next chapter will begin to expand more on their relationship. 
> 
> Also, I while I appreciate a good jealous Petra, I really enjoy the thought of her and the reader having a good relationship. Who knows? It may cause more drama down the line with two friends pining over the same man? Maybe. Probably not though.


	3. Hanged Man, Upright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hanged Man, Upright: Pause, surrender, letting go, new beginnings, new perspectives, metamorphosis.  
> Its your first expedition, among other things.
> 
> Do you fear the date etched into your own tombstone or theirs more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The readers first expedition!  
> Wooh, this is the longest chapter so far by several thousand! There just wasnt a place I felt like cutting it and just kept on going and going until I found a natural end.  
> Please leave comments at the end, I really want to know what people think!!

You spent the time of your free-day in town, wandering by yourself. The market was in full swing, and it had been a while since you had been in such a big crowd; not that you minded. The chatter and commotion was effective as white noise for you to get lost in your thoughts as you looked at fruit, vegetables, clothing, hides, and other products. You hummed softly to yourself as you mind slipped to the deal you had made. At first you were confused when the Captain had offered it, but it had been too good to pass up. All you had ever heard was how harsh he was, and while you had seen some of the harshness with his words and the foot to your back, he had let you off the hook relatively easily. Not that you would ever complain, it just seemed out of character from the things that you had heard down the grape vine.

After you had eaten dinner, you walked down to the captain’s office and knocked on the door. After stating name and business, you entered and saluted, and he nodded to a small table to the side of his desk where a stack of papers laid. Sitting down, quickly got to work. The room was silent save the scratch of pen on paper and the occasional flip of a page, the light casting long shadows across the floor. But the silence didn’t bother you and even thought the work was boring, you lost yourself in it, long since learning how to push through boredom after running for miles upon miles in a never-ending loop of laps around the training grounds. It was easy when you just continued to tell yourself to stay busy to pass the time until the day came where you could look upon the faces of the monsters that took everything from you. It may have been dramatic, you mused to yourself, but it got the job done. After about an hour in, you were ordered to go to the kitchen to make tea and you couldn’t help a small amount of pride that swelled in your chest when he gave a one small nod of approval at the results.

You don’t know how much time has passed when you finally turn over the last paper and carefully make sure that the stack is even. At the noise of the bottom of the papers clacking on the table as you leveled them together, your Captain looked up.

“Deliver those to the Commander and you’re dismissed for the night.” His deep voice cut through the silence, and you saluted and thanked him before leaving.

The base was comfortably silent as you walked through, and you weren’t surprised to see light shining under the Commanders door as well in the late hour of the night.

“It’s Cadet Y/L/N with paperwork from Captain Levi,” You said before entering and saluting again.

“Ah, yes, thank you. Though I am surprised you’re awake at this hour.” The corners of his lips upturned in a small smile as you handed over the paperwork. “Is this your handwriting then, Cadet?”

“Yes, sir.” You nodded, not responding to the first comment. Early on in your military career you learned to only answer direct questions given by superior officers, over explanation being your downfall several times over.

He studied you for a moment, as if trying to decide if he was going to question you further and you wondered if the Captain had not discussed your deal with the commander beforehand. Not that you thought he truly needed to, considering you were in his squad and he was your direct superior. But it would still be a good idea for the Commander of this branch of the military to know what was going on around the base considering you were breaking ruled.

“Dismissed.” Erwin said after a moment, letting your anxiety at being stared down by his intense gaze come to an end.

You thanked the walls that it was so late in the night already so you didn’t have to worry about waiting for your bunkmate to go to sleep before walking down to the training grounds. This time though, as you ran your laps, you glanced up to the lit windows of the buildings. You raised a hand in acknowledgement and thanks as you noticed a silhouette of a shorter sized man standing there, though you dropped it when all he did was turn and walk away.

-

Besides the time spent in Ness’ classroom, you spent all your time training. You were getting better at an impressive rate, the other members of the squad decided. Sheer dedication and passion can only get someone so far, but you had enough raw talent at what you did that it brought you to a higher level, allowing you to prove, at least in simulation, why you were chosen for the special ops squad. Petra took you under her wing, delivering a swift elbow to anyone who teased you too much. The entire squad was helpful, giving you small pointers on how to improve, little tweaks to how you held your blades or how to maximize the momentum of movement with your cables. You’d eat dinner and lunch with your squad, but you always made sure to save breakfast for Amalia. She seemed fond of you and had requested to eat the first meal of the day with your company, and while you were hesitant to get too close, you agreed. She’d chatter away and you’d listen mostly. You learned she was quite happy with her placement into Mike’s squad and laughed as you said an ‘I told you so’.

After a few days into the week, it was decided, for convenience sake, that you’d move in to bunk with Petra, which both of you were happy about. You fell into routine with your nightly paperwork as well. After dinner you’d immediately go to the Captain’s office; and at the table next to his desk there’d always be a set of papers already sitting there. Then, an hour or two in, he’d order you to go get tea, and then after you’d return, you’d continue until you were done. After, you’d take them to the commander, who was always also awake at the ungodly hour of the night, before going down to the training grounds. Since the first night, sometime in your workout, something would always catch your attention from the corner of your eye and you’d glance up to the lit windows, raising a hand to the silhouette that would be standing there. You never got a response; he’d only turn and go back to his desk.

It made you wonder if he didn’t trust you. That he’d always check to make sure you were upholding your end of the deal and not taking advantage of the leeway you were given and going off and galivanting around the town. Petra was confused at first, when you explained where you went after dinner and why you came back to late at night. She wondered out loud why he didn’t ask her for help with the paperwork, since she did her best to help with whatever she could, but the confusion was overshadowed by her happiness that you were able to sleep again.

You’d promised to spend the next off-day that weekend with her, and she surprised you by pulling you along to the town’s baker. Awoken by the sheets being yanked off of you, you squawked in outrage as the crisp morning air stole your dreamless sleep from you.

“What the fuck, Petra?” You managed through jittering teeth, but the look of pure excitement on her face had you laughing.

“Get up! I have a surprise! Hurry!”

So, you hurried. You put on your clothes in record time, though it was mostly to get warm quicker, and before you knew it you were being dragged by the elbow in the direction of town.

“Good morning, Captain!” She chirped as you passed him in the corridor, and he cast the two of you a curious look but returned the greeting. Though you were probably a curious sight to behold with the small Petra essentially dragging you behind her. You idly wondered if he had awoken just as early as the two of you or if he hadn’t slept at all. When you left the night before, he still had a very large stack of papers to get through.

“Petra the market isn’t even open yet!” You protested, but her hand on your arm still held firm.

“You’ll see.” Was all she said with a knowing smile. “It’s a surprise.”

And what a wonderful surprise it was. The sun was just peeking over the horizon as you powerwalked through the empty streets of the town after hitching the horses on the outskirts.

“I wanted to get here while everything was at it’s freshest.”

You frowned and opened your mouth to speak but stopped yourself as the aroma of fresh bread cut you off. She opened the door to the bakery, which no doubt had opened just minutes before, and you surveyed the store. If you were being honest with yourself, if this was a few years ago, before you were hardened, you probably would have cried. You took your time picking out what you wanted, settling on your second favorite item. If you chose your favorite, you knew you’d be disappointed because there was nothing that could compare to the way your father used to make it. When you went to pay, Petra stopped you, assuring you that it was her treat.

Finally, when you left the store and sat down on a wooden bench nearby to eat, you pulled her into a tight embrace. It was awkward, you hadn’t given anyone a hug in years, but you felt the sudden overwhelming urge to pull her in, so you went with it.

“Thank you,” Was all you said before pulling away and the two of you began munching on your pastries. You decided she was living up to her self-proclaimed title of ‘big sister’.

-

More weeks went by, and your first expedition was fast approaching. Every day was like being in a pressure cooker. The tension in the air was getting more and more intense with each 24 hour passage and you could tell that the new recruits were anxious. Most of them had never seen a titan before, you realized one morning as you ate beside Amalia. There were only a few of you who survived Shiganshina and enrolled in the training corps, and, fueled by the fear at seeing one up close, most of you had ended up in the top ten. Besides yourself, all had gone to the military police to never have to see one again. There were maybe three other surviving residents in the cadets of the survey corps, you counted as you looked around the room. The rest were all going in with only the description of the monsters and a crude wooden cutout for reference. And you could cut the tension their fear was causing with a knife.

Meanwhile, you were also anxious, but not for the same reasons. You weren’t filled with fear, no, you were antsy with anticipation. Excited was the wrong word, but it was close. This was it, you were finally going to reach your goal. You were going to be able to come face to face with them and take them down. With help, of course. But take them down nevertheless. The faces of your family flashed in the back of your mind, but their smiling faces were quickly replaced with the smell of copper, rock hitting rock, and bones snapping. You were finally going to reach the goal you had worked tirelessly for for the last three years.  
That is, if you survived.

-

You were unnaturally calm, the rest of your squad thought to themselves as they watched you hitch on your gear and mount your horse. Exchanging looks between each other, they noted your hands didn’t shake, your eyes weren’t wide and glassy, and your back didn’t hunch with fear.

Your captain had given you a firm talking to the night before, interrupting your thoughts as you filled out line after line of paperwork.

“Tomorrow, stay in line, brat, remember the formations, and listen to orders. Tomorrow is about the practical application of everything you’ve learned so far, for the first time. Its about coming back alive. Unlike those shitty wood cutouts, titans move, they’re quick, there will be more than one of them, and there will be aberrants. Trust your squad mates, and you’ll kill titans and come back alive.” His grey eyes bore into yours and you sat there in shock, speechless. It was when he turned his attention back down to his own paperwork that he added another small quip, “I don’t want all my time training you to go to waste”

You could have laughed at the last bit, but you were still too thrown off. You weren’t planning on going hog wild the second you crossed the threshold of the walls. That would serve no purpose. If you wanted to kill as many titans as you could, you’d need to survive, you’d need to make it to more expeditions. Through your time training with the other four of your squad, it was sealed into your brain that it didn’t matter how many solo kills you made, because you’d be far more effective as member of the well-oiled machine that was the Special Ops squad.

You needed to be alive to exact your revenge.

“Yes, sir. I understand that.” You said softly after a moment after you found your voice, not arguing with his assumptions.

“Get some sleep. Dismissed.”

You ran through the speech in your head several times as you did your solo nightly training, cutting the routine in half to attempt to get extra sleep that night. And it paid off, because that morning you awoke refreshed, and ready. Ready to fight and ready to kill.

Sitting on your horse, you urged it forward through the town to get to the gate. Civilians looked on with mixed expressions, though most looked hopeful and in awe. You were told the previous day that this was how it went, though when you returned, less soldiers in tow, that the welcome would not nearly be as nice.

“Ready, Y/L/N?” Eld called over his shoulder from in front of you.

“As I’ll ever be.” You responded with a nod. Though you had to ask yourself; were you truly ready? . You had not seen a titan since that day, you didn’t truly know how you were going to react to seeing one again. The last time you had set your eyes on one was as you watched one rip your father apart before you grabbed your sister from under rock and rubble and ran for your life.

You’ll never forget the sound of tearing flesh.

You were ready, you decided. This is what you had been training years to do. What you work countless hours more than everyone else for. What you fantasized about when your mind slipped from the currently reality. Revenge, with nothing to lose but your own life. But was that true now? You were slowly starting to realize that these people surrounding you were also counting on you.

With Erwin’s voice carrying over you all, you added the thunder of a thousand hooves hitting the ground to the list of things that you’d never forget. It was an exploratory expedition, you were told, in the pursuit to claim the wall that was lost. Hange wanted to try to capture at least one, but that idea was shot down when she was reminded that there would be a large number of green cadets this time around.

When you entered the decrepit city, the titans that were lured away quickly attempted to make their way back to you, but you paid them no mind as they came into your periphery. They were not your concern, there were scouts assigned to them. Not only that, but you knew if you gave them your full attention, you’d end up caught in a magnetic hold of staring at the grotesque creatures, and that wasn’t something you’d risk right now.

Per usual, the rest of the new recruits oversaw taking care of the extra horses and running information between positions. Meanwhile, you’d ride with your squad and were instructed to not get involved unless explicitly told to do so. This was more for learning than anything else. They wanted you to get some experience facing down with a titan, but they also were going to carry the majority of the heavy lifting.

“Y/L/N!” Eld called to you, drawing your attention from the abnormals in front of you. Based on the smoke signals, these two had taken out at least 6 scouts, two yellow smoke signals having been shot from the direction where they came from. The squad split, going to take them both down at the same time. The second in command motioned to the ankles on the 14-meter tall one closest to you and you gave a signal of recognition. The creatures were heading towards the middle, but were blood thirsty in the meantime. You carefully crouched on the saddle, and when you were sure of your balance, shot an anchor into the back of the far ankle. With swift precision, you angled yourself so that you caught the two achilles tendons when they were in direct diagonal of each other. It was something that had to be timed down to the split second, and you skidded on you heels through the dirt before slicing both of the tendons in less than a second, and the tall monstrosity came tumbling to the ground with an earth-shaking thud. Before it had even reached the ground, Eld had taken the nape, Gunter chopping off a hand that shot towards Eld before it got the chance to grab him. When all was said and done, the ordeal lasted less than 8 seconds, and during that time, the remaining squad members had taken down the other abnormal.

Not once did you feel fear bubble from your stomach. Not once did you freeze in horror at the sight of the abominations. The only thing you felt was an odd form of glee as your blades sunk into the flesh that felt nothing like foam. By the end of the expedition, you had assisted in two more kills, and one you were even allowed to go for the nape. It was only after the mission had come to an end and you were crossing the threshold back into the walls that the moths of anxiety began to dance in your stomach. Glancing around, you looked for your one friend outside of your squad. It was bitter-sweet, enough of you had survived that it made it impossible to see everyone as you rode in, so while you were happy with the ending numbers, you couldn’t find your friend. Your brow furrowed as you tried to peek around bodies to possibly get a glimpse of her chestnut brown hair, but you couldn’t manage between how narrow the streets were, how many soldiers there were, and how many civilians came out to greet you at your return.

“If you’re looking for your breakfast partner, I saw her when we all rejoined together. She’s alive. Wounded, but alive.” You captain’s voice cut through the chatter and clops of hooves against stone and your head whipped to look at him. His gaze was level, and one might think it was hard upon first glance, but as you stared at him in disbelief at him knowing your exact thoughts, you thought you saw flashes of understanding and care. It was after a long moment of stunned silence that you remember that you’d catch flies if you didn’t close your mouth.

“I was, sir. Thank you, sir.” Your eyes scanned the crowd again, as if you’d catch a glimpse. You were ecstatic to hear that she was alive but worry settled into your gut at the thought of her being wounded. It was bizarre, you hadn’t felt so worried about someone in a very long time that you’d forgotten the feeling. It felt brand new, and it hurt more than you were expecting.

“You can go to her after we debrief.” He continued to speak, watching as you continued to look around even though you knew it was futile.

“Thank you, Captain.” You turned to him again, a smile of relief curving your lips upward and crinkling your eyes.

He didn’t say anything more, just squeezed his heels against the stomach of his horse, urging it to go forward.

When you finally got back to base, everyone split to their squads to debrief from the mission. You were told it was a success when you had all rejoined, but you didn’t know exactly what the goal was. No one really ever knew was Erwin’s true goals were unless you were an officer, and even then, sometimes you were left with the wool over your eyes.

“Great job today!” Petra linked her arm with yours as you walked and Eld put an encouraging hand on your opposite shoulder with a word of agreement. A proud smile bloomed on your face, realization that you had made it settling it. All you had worked for was paying off. But at the end of the meeting, you excused yourself to find your friend.

You quickly went to the infirmary, and when you turned the corner into the room, you let out a sigh of relief to see Amalia gathering her things to leave, only a sling on her arm and cuts and bruises.

“Pick a fight with gravity?” You joked as you approached and were surprised when she turned and opened her good arm wide as she scoffed.

You returned the hug, careful not to hurt her.

“I fell off my horse. Stupid, I know. I lost my balance because I was so nervous.” She said with a dry laugh, pulling you in. “I’m glad you’re okay, I was worried.”

“I was surrounded by Squad Levi; I was probably singularly the safest person out there. I am the one who is glad you’re okay.” You pulled back a bit awkwardly, not used to a lot of physical affection. It had been years, after all.

“Still glad you chose the scouts?” Amalia asked as you began walking towards her bunk.

"Well, I have no regrets about it." You teased back. 

There were a few times you helped her a bit when she limped or stumbled, but she scolded you for your over-vigilance. You sat for a while and talked before you were able to go down for dinner. You were going to sit with her, but she shooed you off to sit with your squad, arguing that it would be important to have the meal with them after such an important day for you.

-

The stack of papers was larger than usual, you found when you entered Captain Levi’s office later that night. It was to be expected. Considering it would be not only the usual paperwork, but also from the expedition on top of that, you weren’t surprised

“How is your friend?” Your captain spoke as you set down a cup full of tea in front of him after a couple hours of silent work.

“She’s good,” You chirped, taking your seat again and taking a sip of your own cup. The caffeine the black tea offered was refreshing after such an exhausting day. You could probably even skip your nightly training that night with how tired you felt. But your mind when back to your friend in question, elaborating further on how the young woman was. “She fell off her horse, but she only has a few scrapes and bruises and a fractured radius, thankfully."

“She may not be as lucky next time. Are you prepared for that?”

The question stopped all thought processes in your head the second you registered it. Would you be prepared for that? You cared for her; she was your friend, despite your original hesitation. Were you prepared to lose her? If she were to be devoured by titans, her agonizing shriek carrying over the grassy plains to ring in your ears and haunt you like the rest of them, were you prepared for that?

“Prepared is the wrong word for it, I guess, Sir. I recognize that we both have dedicated our lives for humanity and we ourselves are prepared to give up our lives for its freedom. I know it’s a possibility she won’t survive each expedition, a very real one, and it would hurt me quite a bit if she were to die, but I understood it was a risk signing up for the survey corps and so did she. I would be sad, which I think is okay, but it would not break me. But that’s not going to stop me from hoping she’s alive at the end of it all.” You said after a thoughtful moment. It wasn’t truly something to lose, because you didn’t really have it in the first place. You were friends, but both of you knew the friendship had an expiration date on it. The same date that would be on one of your tomb stones.

Levi nodded in response, seemingly satisfied with your answer, before continuing.

“Did you find what you were looking for out there?” In about the month that you had been doing the nightly paperwork, this was the most he had ever spoken to you outside of answering a few questions you had about what each document required and it made you wonder if he was always this chatty after expeditions. He hadn’t even made a shit joke either, which also seemed to be a major form of his communication.

“I did.” Your response was immediate, firm. The revenge you sought, that was it. The pursuit for freedom you pledged your life to, that was it. The entirety of the past three years were for today, and your return had left you with a sense of satisfaction and pride in yourself. But you weren’t done. This was only the beginning. You had many more expeditions to complete. Many more titans to bring to their knees. Many more napes to slice.

“You did well.” he said after a long moment. He had nodded again to previous reply, letting the silence engulf the room yet again before choosing to continue.

You couldn’t help the muscles that twitched in your cheeks and pulled your mouth into a beaming smile. It had delighted you to hear that you had done well from your squad mates but hearing it from Captain Levi was something different.

“Thank you, Captain.” You said before quickly getting back to work, doing your best to stifle the smile on your face.

You don’t remember how long it took after that for your eyelids to start drooping and your head to bob forwards only for you to catch it last minute before it crashed onto the desk in front of you. Until you don’t catch it, and you’re out like a light.

“Oi, brat, wake up.” Levi’s voice wakes you from your dreamless sleep, and you shoot into an upright position, blinking rapidly. You look up at him, standing next to you, and he puts a hand on your head briefly and you swear the corners of his mouth tick upward ever so slightly before he clicks his tongue. “You’re dismissed.”

“I’m so sorry, Captain,” You start as he walks back to his desk. Embarrassment causing your face to flare.

He just waves you off, mumbling something about it being your first expedition that day, to not let it happen again, and to go get some sleep.

Quickly making your way back to your bunk, you make sure to take a glance at the grandfather clock in one of the halls, noting that it was later than when you’d normally go back and it made you wonder how long you had been sleeping instead of working. Stopping at the bathroom to brush your teeth and wash your face, you stared in horror at the image that greeted you in the mirror. When your face landed on the paper, the ink was not dry yet, leaving the imprint of black ink transferred on your cheek. You groaned, leaning against the sink as you washed your face. Mortification is too weak of a word to describe what you felt.

-

You can see why the rumors had taken root, but you still didn’t truly understand them. Maybe it was because your days of insubordination were mostly behind you, or maybe you had just gotten on the Captain’s good side right away. You had to admit, you were proud of your behavior during your assessment, and you had heard from Petra later on that you leading your team to finish the course even though you were down a cable and had Stefan picking a fight was something that was discussed at dinner that night between the officers and the squad. Sure, he could be a hard-ass when it came to cleaning, and strict with punishments. You learned quite quickly the level of clean something needed to be in order to pass his inspection, you only made the mistake of leaving one spec of dust and had to clean the entire room once before never doing it again. Sometimes hearing them talk about your captain’s harshness made you roll your shoulders, the ghost of a boot print still between the blades, but it disappears quickly when you’re reminded of the scratch of pen on paper the smell of tea. Petra told you what she knew about him before he was in the scouts, which, admittedly, wasn’t much, but the mystery lent itself to the intimidation factor. His temperamental nature lent itself as well. She did whatever she could to help him, you noticed, and it made you think that the devotion was admirable.

You enjoyed bunking with Petra, talking as you got ready in the morning or on your chore and off days. She told you stories of her family, which always made you smile. It was bittersweet, the stories always made you miss your own family, but you were happy to hear that she was happy and that they were safe. Her parents didn’t truly approve of her joining the corps, but they were proud of her nevertheless, and it made you wonder what your parents would think of you now.

Now that the squad had truly seen you in action, the training got more rigorous. Not that you minded.

“My bets on Y/N!” Eld called with a grinned as you and Oluo circled each other, fists raised.

“I don’t know, Oluo had a decent amount of height on her, to ignore that significant advantage would be foolish.” Gunther pitched in.

“You do realize who’s squad you’re on, right?” Petra laughed, shaking her head at the man.

“That’s different! We’re not talking about the Captain; we’re talking about Y/N!” He defended himself quickly.

“Yeah, but what Y/N lacks in size she makes up for in speed,” Petra continued, placing her bet on you.

“Get on with it already, we don’t have all day!” Eld hollered out again.

It had started with a joke, truly, just a joke. Oluo had made a comment about your ability to fight, and you muttered something along the lines of ‘laying him out to dry like Saturday laundry’ if he tried anything. Of course, rather than risk his ego being bruised in front of the other veterans, he challenged you. Much to everyone else’s delight. It had been lunch time, and rather than go back to the mess hall, you all had packed food to be able to eat out in the forest to save time. And since it was just the squad today, you captain absent due to a squad leader meeting, the other three sat in the shade munching on their food and enjoying the show.

“Come on, twerp, you going to make a move, or what?” Oluo teased, trying to goad you into the first hit.

It was all in good fun, neither of you were actually mad at the other. But you weren’t stupid, you knew it was to be taken at least somewhat seriously lest you be made a fool.

You didn’t give in to the taunts, you were going to let him make the first move. Normally when at a disadvantage, which you did admit the size difference was one, you’d wait to learn their techniques a bit before truly making any moves of your own. Then, once you had a good understanding, you’d use it against them. So you waited, patient.

Finally, he lunged, fist aimed and shooting out to make contact. But before it could, you dodged swiftly to the side, the punch missed. So he tried again. And again. The fourth time, you dodged but grabbed his wrist, tucked yourself under his arm while putting your other hand on his waist, and while straightening up from a squat, hoisted him over your shoulder and to the ground. All faster than a blink. You hear Eld whistle in the background and a small ‘yes!’ from Petra.

“Don’t get too cocky.” You warned as he got up, brushing the dirt from his clothes before taking position again.

The next time it was your turn to hit the ground with an ‘oof.’ You had to admit, there was a reason he had the second highest solo kill count in the squad. He was good.

It went on for some time. Fist connected with a forearm block. Foot connected with chest. Body connected with ground. Someone flipped over the other’s shoulder only to save themselves last second, twisting from grasp. You don’t know how long it goes on, but he had a bloody nose and your lip was busted along with a cut above your eyebrow from a time when you hit the ground and snagged it on rock. All the while, your teammates made comments and quips in the background that sometimes distracted the both of you and the other took advantage.

“What the hell is going on here?”

You had been mid drop-kick, swinging up with one leg first and jumping off with the other, meeting them both together to land on his left shoulder and sending both of you to the ground, only you more prepared for the landing. You were up in an instant, pushing off the ground the second you hit it and saluting your Captain as he walked into the clearing as your fellow squad mates scrambled up to do the same.

Both you and Oluo glanced at each other as he finally stood up and saluted as well, unsure what to say for yourselves.

Your captain narrowed his eyes, obviously expecting an answer.

Given that you had been the one to respond to Oluo’s joke with a threat, you spoke.

“Sparring practice during our lunch, sir?” the answer was hesitant as you blinked away the blood that dripped from your brow, and you cursed yourself for it sounding like more of a question than a statement.

“Tch, I’m sure.” He technically couldn’t disprove it, and since you were on your lunch, it wasn’t slacking off when you were supposed to be training. Pick your battles, he told himself. “At ease. Finish eating and we’re running through drills. I expect both of your work to be perfect, considering you have so much extra energy.

You both said a ‘yes, sir!’ before glancing at each other again in relief before going back by the rest of the squad. When you got back to the rest of them, your opponent ripped a cloth he had in half, holding one half to his nose and holding the other out to you for your eyebrow. You took it graciously, pressing it down hard to stop the bleeding.

“Whose bets were on who?” Captain Levi asked from where he leaned against a tree when you all had settled into quiet.

“Eld and I were for Y/N, but Gunther bet on Oluo winning.” Petra answered, tucking away the last bit of bread she brought with her.

Levi nodded, mulling it over for a moment before commenting.

“Gunther, you fool.”

You had to restrain yourself from letting out a triumphant cry, instead you just grinned at Gunther and Oluo’s offended faces, and Petra’s and Eld’s smirked and high-fived.

You liked your squad, you really did.  
-

You pondered that night to yourself as you mindlessly filled out paperwork. You felt… happy. Well, maybe it was too strong of a word to describe your overall state of mind but you were happy with where you were at. You had reached your goal of not only killing titans, but you made Levi squad, and made it back from you first expedition alive. You had friends, not only were you fond of your entire squad, even if one member did grate your nerves sometimes, but you had someone who you considered a friend outside of it. You were getting stronger and better every day. You even got special privileges.

You were happy.

And by the walls, did you feel guilty.

This was supposed to be where you took your revenge against the things that stole your family from you, stole your happy life. But here you were, happy again, and you mother, father, and baby sister were all dead. You had a duty to fulfill, for them, and there you were, smiling and laughing as if without a care in the world. Sure, you had been warned about survivors’ guilt, it had been talked about a lot within the training corps, how the veterans often felt it. Sometimes it even drove them mad. You could maybe see yourself being driven mad by it.

It made you want to pull away, to smother any smile that threatened to cross your face. Any contented sigh you let out as you plopped down on your bed for a break, Petra telling you another embarrassing story about a drunk squad-mate. You had struggled with the feeling in the training corps, but now that you were where you wanted to be, proud of how far you come, it had gotten worse. As if finding some small slivers of happiness alongside reaching your purpose were weighing heavy on your shoulders. It was eating away at your stomach, getting more and more intense with each passing day. It ate away at you every time you smiled or laughed or had a moment of small happiness.

“The bathroom is the door on the left. You look like you’re about to shit yourself.” Your captain’s voice shook you from your thoughts. It wasn’t hard to notice you were distressed with the way your eyebrows knit together and how your lips were pursed into painfully thin line.

“Sorry captain.” You muttered, rereading the same line of paperwork you had read at least a dozen times before and doing your best to iron our your features and school them back into place.

“Did you get that cleaned?” He asked, nodding to the cut on your forehead that you had obtained earlier in the day.

“I cleaned it when we got back to base, yes.” You glanced up as if you could see your own eyebrow, reaching up to touch it but your wrist was caught.

“Don’t touch it, you’ll spread whatever disgusting germs are on your hands to the wound. Probably didn’t even clean it properly either.” He moved away, disappearing into the room he said was the bathroom for a few moments before returning and grabbing a medical tin from one of the bookshelves and sitting back down. “Well, are you going to come here and let me dress it properly or just sit there and stare?”

You continued to stare a second, taken aback. But you got up anyways and hauled your chair across the floor to sit close enough for him to reach your brow.

“You know, if you think too hard, you’ll end up hurting yourself.” He commented as he carefully inspected the wound before reaching for the antiseptic and tweezers. The words were teasing, slightly insulting, but you could hear the inquiry and the underlying care beneath them, and it reminded you again as to how confused the rumors made you.

“I was just… Thinking about my family, sir.” You said softly, uncomfortable with the idea of your superior officer tending to you. When the cold alcohol made contact with your cut, you closed your eyes for a moment, the sting not enough to make you hiss or wince. 

He glanced down; eyebrow quirked for a split second to let you know he was listening before returning to looking intently at the cut.

“I guess its just a case of survivors guilt.” You said with a sigh and did your best to stop the sound of rock exploding from ringing in your ears.

“That’s natural.” He nodded, pulling a small bit of rock from the cut with tweezers and clicking his tongue in disappointment at your wound dressing skills. “But what do you think that they’d think? Do you think they’d want you to feel guilty?”

“No, they wouldn’t, but that’s easier said that done.” You watched his hands carefully. They obscured your view of his face most of the time, moving back and forth between your cut and the tin.

“I suppose so. But you said yourself the other day, that even though you might lose that friend of yours any expedition, and you’ll be sad, but its still worth it in the meantime. They may be gone, but you still being alive in the meantime is still worth it.” He was right, and you knew it. It was simply following the same logic. But it was different when it was yourself, it always was. It was a lot easier to beat yourself up than to take it out on another.

“You’re right.” You said begrudgingly and he scoffed as he placed a two adhesive bandages on the cut.

“Of course I’m right.” He rolled his eyes, snapping the tin closed with a metallic clink and standing up to put it back. If there was one thing Levi knew at this point, it was survivors’ guilt. Whether it be from his mother, Isabel and Furlan, or the any number of soldiers he lost along the way that he now carries their memory with him. Maybe one day he’d learn to take his own advice.

He had recognized that haunted look in your eyes when he had first seen you. Not many cadets came into the corps with that look, but they always ended with it. But there was something else there with it. A passion, an intent. A decision to fight for the ghosts that left you haunted. It had left an impression on him, he’d admit. He saw how badly you had wanted to snap at him when he had questioned your decision to join the survey corps, but you held your tongue and gave a respectful but pointed answer. You could hold your own against a rude superior. You had talked down your group before you were told the assessment had officially began. Of course it had begun the second you stepped foot on the grounds, and you had known it. And after, rather than give into the urge to fight your belligerent teammate, you listened to reason, that you had a job to do, took up the leadership position, and led your group to the finish line all while severely handicapped. It was admirable, and many great soldiers would have stopped there and walked back to the finish, and they wouldn’t have been thought less of for it, not with a teammate like yours. But you made the point to bring your team across the finish line, because you knew that you could not do that if you were out past the walls. You made decisions with conviction, with strategy, with an empathy for the living and the dead, and an understanding of consequences. Taking responsibility for your actions was something he noted you always did. You didn’t try to pass blame on anyone, and hell, you were going to take the blame for the fuck-up of your teammate. Which Levi considered both honorable and beyond stupid.

By the time he tucked the medical equipment away and washed his hands again, you had returned to your place in front of your stack of paperwork, but your eyes followed him.

“Thank you, sir, for listening, for the advice, and the medical care.” You smiled at him softly and you swore the corners of his lips threatened to upturn a few millimeters, but it was gone in a blink and you thought you maybe imagined it.

“Just finish up and get some rest. And try not to think too hard, it doesn’t seem your strong suit.” He clicked his tongue as he pulled his own chair out and sat down. Sneaking a glance back at you when you had turned your attention down to the paperwork, he was relieved to see that the distress in your face had stayed melted away.

That night, you did more laps than you normally did. Ran until that familiar scream of your hamstrings reached a crescendo. Did extra sets of pushups each loop until your arms shook and strained to straighten. Made yourself do sit-ups until you collapsed backwards, panting with your arms on your forehead. Thoroughly exhausted, you stumbled up to your bunk. And for the first night in years, you dreamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments below on things you like and what I can improve on!
> 
> I hate it when people only depict Levi as cold and uncaring. It always makes me be like are we watching/reading the same thing?? He can definitely be a little snarky bastard, which I try to depict, but at his core, he cares


	4. Chekhov's gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you present a loaded rifle, it must be fired.  
> Keeping in mind that some wounds cannot be treated, which side of the barrel will you be on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last scene of this chapter is probably one of the ones I am most proud of.  
> If you liked it, or didn't like it, please leave a comment. I'd love to know what I did well and how I can improve further.

When you awoke, you didn’t remember the dream, but you knew you had one. It surprised you, leaving you with a warm and comforting feeling in your chest you couldn’t quite name. It was like a bittersweet taste on your tongue, wishing you could recall the images. As you went about your morning, you got flashes of scenes, all different ones of your family in various states of joy and happiness, and you took it as their blessing.

“How’d you get that?” Amalia nodded to your forehead through a spoonful of porridge. You almost went to touch it but the stern scolding about getting germs in the wound rang in the back of your mind and you returned your hand back down to the table.

“Ah, Oluo and I had a sparring match yesterday during lunch,” you explained.

“Your dressing skills have improved.” Your friend teased, nudging you with her elbow. It was commonly known within your training class that you weren’t very great at tending to your own wounds. While you had passed with flying colors when taking care of others, but when it came to taking care of yourself, you had a bad habit of putting in the bare minimum effort, which the nurses on base routinely scolded you for.

“I actually didn’t do it. I’m still just as incompetent as ever when it comes to taking care of myself, don’t worry.” You laughed quietly in response, shaking your head in remembrance of all the hard times you’d given the medics and all the hard times they gave right back in return.

“That’s what _does_ worry me!” She shot back, though not mad or upset. You just shook your head again in response to her silliness.

That previous night wouldn’t be the last time the captain would help you with you with an injury. It was the military, no matter how careful you were, you were bound to get hurt no matter what. It wasn’t often that you would, being as adept as you were, but it happened. You’d snag a branch on a tree and cut your arm, sparring would go slightly too far and you’d end with some scrapes, you’d land wrong and twist an ankle. Every time you’d do a sorry excuse for a patch up, and do your best to hide it from the captain later when you’d go into do paperwork. But his eyes were too keen, too sharp, and he’d always catch the moment you were hurt, and before you left the threshold of his office at the end of the night, he’d make sure he had inspected the wound. It was embarrassing, so much so that you’d actually started to properly care for them. Not that that stopped him. You’d gotten to the point where they were nothing less than perfect, yet he would still scoff, unwrap whatever bandages you had carefully applied, and with a scrutinizing gaze, redo the dressing until it met his perfectionist expectations.

“You don’t like horseback riding?” Petra asked, astonished.

“That’s not what I said,” you quickly corrected before anyone else could say anything straightening in your seat and holding a finger up to stop others from continuing before you had a chance to fully explain yourself. “I grew up in the city, we had flower, sugar, and salt delivered to the bakery, so there was no need for a horse and cart, I didn’t truly learn how to ride before coming to the military. What I said was that I am not as comfortable on horse-back as other soldiers.”

“Oh, we’ve noticed.” Oluo dug in, smirking as he sipped his tea.

Your eyes narrowed and you suppressed the urge to spit back a clever retort, instead you swallowed your pride and asked if you could spend some more time training on horseback.

-

A snake. A fucking snake. You were riding through trees and a set obstacle course when suddenly your horse let out a cry, rearing up on its back legs before bucking you to the ground and taking off in a mad dash in the other direction. Luckily the horse’s outburst was enough to scare the snake away and you didn’t have to worry about it, but what you did worry was the pain that shot up your arm when you hit the ground. You made a note to laugh about it later with Amalia considering she had injured herself in the same way. Based on the lack of a sickening crack, it wasn’t broken, hopefully, but you’d probably be in for a sprain and some bad bruising.

Thankfully, you had Gunther and Eld with you. They had both offered to help you after you expressed wanting to hone your abilities, much to your appreciation. Eld helped you up, assessing the injury and making sure you were mostly alright while Gunther rode off to track down your horse. Once your arm was safely in a makeshift sling, and you back on your nervous horse, you rode to where the other two members of your squad and captain were. Your commanding officer raised his eyebrows at your sling as you did a half salute, and it was explained to him what happened, it turned into a frown.

“Eld, lead the rest of the squad through drills, I’m going to make sure this one actually gets to medical.”

“Sir, I’d hate to be a bother, I can make it there by myself,” You said quickly, holding up your free hand.

“And if you fall of your horse again?”

“The chances of being thrown off my horse because of a snake twice in one day is astronomical,”

“With your rotten luck, it would happen three times by the time you made it to the med building. Let’s go.” His tone left no more room for argument, and you did your best to not let shame burn red on your face.

When you reached back to base, he helped you down off your horse, his hands warm on your waist while all the while you grumbled about how it was only a sprain and you could do it yourself and continued to fight to keep the shame at bay. 

“Sprains can be worse than breaks in terms healing, stop being stubborn.” Again, his tone left no room for argument.

“Sir, the infirmary?” Trailing behind him, you looked between him and the building as you passed it. It seemed like he was leading the way back to the building where his office and quarters were located, and it left you confused.

“And have you get written up for harassing the medics again? I think not. I’ve read your file. How many incidents have there been between you and the nurses?” He scoffed and rolled his eyes as you both continued even farther away from the infirmary.

“I don’t remember, sir, but I think I can count on both hands. At least, when they’re both not injured anyways.” You didn’t know how many had made it into your file, but you were sure there were more than what was documented. There were plenty of soldiers that didn’t mind the infirmary, but what that usually meant for you was being told you were out of commission for a period of time. They couldn’t put you on rest if they never saw you were injured, was your thought. Then, though he clicked his tongue at your last remark, he didn’t seem angry at the joke, which you took as a good sign.

Through the time that you had spent together after dinner each night, you’d managed to get more comfortable around each other, or at least you thought so. You were getting more confident in shooting back clever quips to his comments, sometimes earning you a ghost of a smile or another response that had the banter flowing back and forth. When it was other members of your squad, your quick-witted replies were easy and free flowing, but those were your equals, and it was quite different with your captain, in your mind. You breathed military at this point, it was rare you ended a sentence without ‘sir’ when speaking to a higher rank. You were sure your sternum was bruised at one point when you were caught off guard by your captain’s presence and you saluted too hard. But time with him was easier now, and you could slightly relax when it was the two of you. It had been weeks since the expedition, another was coming up soon, and you hoped your wrist would be healed enough in time.

When you reached his office, he grabbed the chair from the table you always worked at and brought it to his desk, similar to how it was the first night he had bandaged your forehead. While he was doing this, you grabbed the medical tin with your good hand before joining him at the chairs. It was still uncomfortable for you, and because of this you had to stop yourself from squirming where you sat. With how much the military expectations had been branded into you, having your captain, no matter how tightknit your squad was and how many hours you spent with him alone, lowering himself to dote on you medically was enough to make your hackles raise and skin crawl. It just seemed wrong and unnatural.

You carefully removed the makeshift sling and he took your arm. With featherlight fingers, he ran them over your wrist. His grey gaze was intense as he watched your face for any signs of pain. He pressed in harder after a moment, gauging the areas of damage and backing off when you’d grit your teeth or tensed your muscles.

“Its not broken, but definitely sprained.” He said and while you stopped yourself from saying an ‘I told you so’ out loud, you were sure he saw it in your eyes.

When you reached for the cloth bandage to wrap it yourself, he frowned and took it from the tin before you could. Maybe if you showed him you actually knew how to wrap an injury he’d start to leave you alone about it. Though while the majority of your good senses told you to feel uncomfortable with the situation, there was always a tiny part of you that enjoyed the attention, the non-obligatory care from someone. He could leave well enough alone, and if he’d order you to behave for the nurses you would in a heartbeat, but he did it himself. And that enjoyment of it made you cringe inwardly.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Wrapping my wrist, sir,” it was your turn to furrow your brow. What did it look like you were doing? He was a smart man; he could figure it out. It didn’t really make sense to you, no matter how many angles you approached it with reason. Why did he insist on this?

“And then I’ll just have to redo it because you’ll do a shitty job,” he held out his hand expectantly for your wrist again, eyes unamused.

“Sir, if you never let me do it, I’ll never learn properly,” You smiled slightly, fighting to keep the feeling of nervousness from showing on your features. But after a hard look from him, you surrendered your wrist anyways. “I also would like to stop inconveniencing you every time I’m even slightly hurt.”

“It’s not an inconvenience.” Was all he said as he began to wrap your arm with the bandage, and there was a finality in his tone that halted all of your objections. It was almost bitter, like your arguments had upset him. You stayed silent for the rest of time it took to wrap your wrist. Instead, you kept yourself occupied by watching his hands. Made note about his slender but strong fingers guided the bandage, pulling it taught but not too tight as to be uncomfortable. Noted the way his callouses brushed the sensitive and thin skin on the underside of your wrist. Hands that had killed so many titans, inflicted brutal final blows, yet now they were delicately weaving the cloth around your arm. It was when he had tucked the end corner of the bandage under the wrapping that his voice brought your attention up to his face. “Dismissed. And you should let it rest, so don’t come in to do paperwork tonight, and no training requiring your arm tonight. No pushups, pullups, anything of the like.” There was that same hardness as before in his expression, a sharp edge to his voice. It made you wonder if you had missed something. Did he think you were unappreciative? Had you offended him? Was there something you weren’t seeing and understanding?

“Thank you, sir. I don’t”- You started to explain that you did in fact appreciate it, that you weren’t ungrateful to his time and care, but he cut you off before you could finish.

“Dismissed.”

“Yes, sir.” And you grabbed the medical tin, replacing it in its usual place on the bookshelf before saluting and exiting. You missed fighting titans; they were far easier to understand.

-

You only ran that night to avoiding straining the sprain. When you saw the familiar silhouette in the window, you raised your uninjured hand in a wave. As always, the figure turned away.

-

At the end of every day, when you had turned the ovens off and flipped the sign on the front window to ‘closed’, your father would pile up the left-over bread into a basket. Ever so carefully, he’d wrap and cover it with cloth and with a warm smile, send you on your way. You moved quickly, weaving through the people and up alley ways until you reached the first house on your list.

“Miss Y/N’s here!” A little girl shrieked from her position at the window as you rapped your knuckles against the wooden door.

“Bread delivery,” You’d grin as they opened the door. The house was tidy. Modest, but clean. They were going through a hard times financially. The father had been injured on the job and was unable to work, which meant that they had no income. You had found out when they had come into the bakery, asking if they could pay half then, and half when he was healthy and back working, with interest. Your dad simply waved a hand and before they could turn away, dejected, he explained that they always had bread left at the end of the day, and as long as they didn’t mind that it wasn’t the freshest, they could have it for free rather than let it go to waste.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” The woman took the loaf from you, trading you another cloth bundle. “I finished mending those dresses for your, here they are.”

With a wave, you went on your way to the next house on the list. There were a few others, who got the end-of-day bread for free. Though they’d always insist on doing small favors in return, like the mending of clothes, or fixing the thatching in your roof. People had to take care of each other, your father always told you, and you took it to heart.

“You better be behaving yourselves!” You called across the way as you saw three kids dart across the way.

“I always behave myself, Y/N!” The blond responded and pointed to the brunette boy with bright green eyes. “It’s him you need to worry about,”

“Oh, I know.” You laughed and checked your basket. While you had visited everyone you needed to, you still had one loaf. Looking up again, you smiled at the three and held out the last one, “You want this? It’s extra, and my family already has our daily supply, so it will just go to waste.” Once they had taken it and thanked you, you set off back home, calling over your shoulder with a wave. “Keep them out of trouble, Mikasa. And tell your mother I say hello, Yeager!”

-

You still had yet to piece together the puzzle that was Captain Levi’s behavior by the next morning. It was the end of the week and you did the chores you could with your injured arm, which was mostly dusting so you didn’t have to lift anything heavy or move your wrist around too much. When he came to check on your work after you had finished you were barely spared a glance, and it made something in your stomach clench. You were frustrated, even more-so when he told you that your assistance would not be needed again that night.

Luckily, Petra dragged you into town again the next day, letting you ride behind her on the same horse since it was hard to control the reins with one hand. You occupied yourselves by telling stories of your childhoods as you made the short trip, letting her lead the conversation for the most part. She had noticed early on that you were more quiet than usual and could tell something was weighing on your mind.

“Are you okay?” She asked as you walked together, crisscrossing across the walkway to look at teach of the market’s stalls.

“I think I upset the Captain, though I am not entirely sure how.” You frowned, turning over an apple to check for blemishes before purchasing it.

She frowned, studying your face as the two of you began walking away to find a place to sit and eat. “What do you mean?”

“It’s nothing, I’ll figure it out. I’m probably just being too sensitive.” You brushed her off with a wave of your hand and were about to continue before a shout rang down the alley you had walked down.

“Stop him! Thief!” Both you and Petra whipped around at the yelling and were greeted with the sight of a young boy running towards you, with a two MP’s and what you believed to be a shop keeper on his heels.

“Save me, miss!” Knowing he had no means of escape; he chose to hide. Skidding to a stop, he tried to tuck himself behind you, gripping the extra fabric of your pants at your thighs. Without thinking, your arm came out and you pushed him further behind you and inserted yourself between him and the men.

“Hand over that thief, ma’am.” One of the MP’s said, and you recognized him as a member of the class that graduated a year before you. You had run into each other a few times, but you didn’t know him by name. Though the other face you recognized immediately. It was another member of your class of cadets, Strauss, you remember his surname being.

“I see you’ve moved up in the world, Strauss,” You smiled, catching the man’s attention.

“Y/N!” He seemed startled to see you, as if he was surprised you had survived the first expedition. The other gave him a look of confusion, so you decided to introduce yourself.

“Y/F/N L/N, and this is Petra Ral, we’re members of the special operations squad of the survey corps.” You said as you tucked the boy behind you more when you felt him try to peer around you. Realization washed over the other three faces, and you didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. After the shock had worn off, it was as if they realized again why they were there. Petra moved in closer to you, giving the boy more space to hide behind.

There was something about the merchant man’s face, as if dishonestly and maliciousness could leave lines on a man’s appearance. Not to mention it was a commonly known fact the rivalry between the survey corps and the MP’s. There was also the matter of how you were raised and how you spent the end of everyday with a basket full of left-over bread on your arm. But all these things had you giving the kid a good shove behind you to say ‘run now, while I have their attention’ now that Petra had also taken to helping keep him out of sight while you raised your voice to keep their eyes on you.

Based on the flash of him you saw before he was cowering behind your legs, the kid needed the food more than that man needed the profit, and that had the gears in your head turning for a way to get him out. It disgusted you, you thought, how greedy some store owners could be. Your father was good man, giving back to the community that supported him. It was rare that someone would steal from you, considering the lengths in which your family would go to accommodate hard financial times for others, but if they did, he always told you not to chase them because they obviously needed it more.

It was easy, far too easy. The flash of a few coins. The subtle hint of a threat. You paid out of pocket for the price of the things the boy stole, allegedly, with the military discount of course. Within a few minutes, you and Petra continued your stroll, the boy long gone.

“I hate merchants like that.” You stated as she pulled you up by your good arm onto the back of the horse. “My father was nothing like that.”

It was rare you gave strong stated negative opinions, even rarer for you to talk about your family. It was because of this Petra just inclined her head, as if asking you to continue but afraid her voice would be too much and scare you into silence again.

“That man lacks compassion, lacks humanity. Did you see that kid? Did you see that man? Kid needed the food far more than he needed a fucking copper coin. And those MP’s. There’s a reason everyone hates them. Wasting good taxpayer dollars chasing after a petty child thief rather than anyone worth it.” You were ranting, and you knew it, but it was easy to when you were that upset. It felt personal, because you had been in essentially both of those positions of authority. You were in the military, your family ran a shop similar to the man’s, and in both of those situations, your driving morals and motivations were for the betterment of society. Something those men obviously didn’t care about, they only cared about the weight of coins in their pocket. And you said just as much.

And Petra said as much at dinner a few hours later. You were uncomfortable, shifting in her seat and avoiding your squads eyes as she retold the story. Recounting the sweet yet deadly honey that slipped from your lips as you persuaded the men to let the child go, instead letting you pay, at the military discount. The way you used a boost to their ego only to tear it down with a threat, then the jingle of coins. It was all very impressive, the way Petra told it, and it made your skin crawl, uncomfortable with the attention as well as your own behavior.

“What do you want? A congratulations? A ‘Oh dear, Y/N, your so kind and amazing! Coming to the rescue like that?’ A pat on the back?” Your captain’s voice was sharp, quiet enough so that only your squad could hear, but the venom dripped from every word, disgusted.

It should have made you feel small, at least that was obviously his intention. And for a second, you felt shame, as if you had done something wrong. Were you in the wrong? Did the kid truly need your pity? But it wasn’t pity that made you do it, you realized, and that is when the fire flared in your chest.

Your eyes narrowed, ready to bite back. The dig felt forced, like he was knit picking anything, and it brought you back to the weird way he had been treating you. This only added fuel to the flame. What had him acting this way?

But that was a question for another time, right now you had to address the absurd accusation that your kindness and protection of the child was merely ego driven. You weren’t really thinking, just acting, when you replied.

“With all due respect, sir, I think you have a critical misunderstanding of who I am as a person. It isn’t about the reputation, considering Petra was the one to tell you all the story, not me. I would have never brought it up myself. It isn’t about feeling better about myself or boosting my own ego, either. It’s about a fundamental compassion for humanity. A belief that every human life has worth. Something that I think we soldiers should all have, don’t you agree, sir?”

You met his gaze unwaveringly, your hands clenched tightly under the table to stop them from shaking. By the time you were done, your chest was rising and falling quickly. Anyone in the mess hall, should they look over, could see that you were upset. You couldn’t remember the last time that you had gotten like this, you weren’t even this upset when your cable was cut by that fool of a temporary teammate. Again, similar to earlier, this felt personal. It felt like through accusing your kindness of being for your own self-interest, it extended to the man who raised you. To say that your dad’s compassion for his neighbors was for selfish reasons and not because he was a good, honest, and caring man offended you deeply.

There was a long silence, your squad mates shifted uncomfortably in their seats as they watched the battle fought only with the eyes unfold before them. Their own snapped between the two of you, waiting for you to cave and your captain to punish you. You were in for a scalping; they were sure of it. But when, instead, the corners of Levi’s lips twitched upwards, and he gave a quirk of a brow before rolling his eyes, their jaws just about hit the floor.

“Hm, I’d have to agree with that last sentiment. Don’t get your panties in a twist.” He scoffed before taking a long drink of his tea.

You wanted to scream. The nonchalant response made you grit your teeth and narrow your eyes even further into slits. It was bait. He was baiting you to continue. Your backtalk was already reason enough to punish you, but he was egging you on. If you continued, you knew that the tallies against you for insubordination would just continue to tick away until it warranted a severe enough punishment that he was no doubt eager to dish out.

The whispered rumors of your captain's cruelty flashed in the back of your mind.

So you remained quiet. You broke eye contact, leveled your breathing, unclenched your fists, and carefully took your spoon in your hand to continue with dinner. No one said anything for a moment, letting the tension slowly simmer down until the captain got up, taking his dishes and leaving.

“Be ready for stable duty for the next month.” Oluo spoke first after he was sure Captain Levi was gone and not coming back to possibly overhear.

“While my wrist is still sprained, no doubt.” You laughed without humor, shaking your head. How had you gotten out of that? Your response was sassy, churlish, petty. But you had no regrets about it whatsoever.

The rest of the dinner went by without anything spectacular happening. There were a few more jokes about your backtalk, but they dropped it after a few minutes. After, it occurred to you that you weren’t given an order to not help that night with the paperwork, so it was most likely expected of you to come in. Anxiety shot through you at the realization, was he just waiting until you two were alone to dish out the discipline? You rolled your shoulders absently to chase away the imprint of a boot heel between them and marched your way to his door. When you had been given permission to enter, you saluted and took your seat at your usual table. But as you walked over, you noticed that there was no stack of papers there like there normally was.

“Sir, what would you like me to work on tonight?” You asked as you sat, frowning.

“I did not anticipate you coming in tonight, so I didn’t set anything aside. I’ll have them in a moment.” He muttered, sorting through his files for the paperwork you had clearance for.

“You didn’t tell me not to come, so I assumed you’d like me to resume my duties.” Your frown deepened as you considered his words.

Levi didn’t give you a reply, only outstretched his arm with a stack of papers in hand, which you took quickly. The silence, other than the rustle of paper and scratch of pen, was deafening, and you were grateful to be able to lose yourself in the line after line of mindless work. When it got to be the time for you to get up to make tea, you did it without the order from your commanding officer, eager to get out of the room. It felt like you were waiting for a shoe to drop. As you waited for the water to boil for the tea, you steeled yourself, resolving to address the matter head on. You had offended him with your incessant objections to his help, you knew it, and you would apologize.

“Sir, permission to speak freely for a moment.” You said as you stood in front of his desk after giving him his mug.

Levi’s eyes slowly slid up to you and he gave a nod, looking at you from over the cup.

“I would like to apologize for earlier today at dinner, first. My response was insubordinate and uncalled for, fueled by pride. I will take any punishment you see fit for my behavior. Second, I would like to apologize for my behavior regarding receiving medical attention. I do not want to seem like I was unappreciative. I was… concerned that I was being bothersome to you and distracting you from other, more important, things. I was not taking it for granted nor did I mean any offence and I apologize if any was given, sir.” Planting your feet steady in stubborn refusal to look anxious, you looked out the window behind him into the blackness of the night. It was a new moon tonight, you noted earlier, so the only thing you were met with was the inky dark of the sky.

“Apologies accepted.” He hummed, taking a sip of the tea. When you only stood there, either waiting for him to continue or waiting for him to deal out a punishment, he almost rolled his eyes. “When was the last time you re-wrapped your wrist?”

You sputtered, looking down at the bandages. “This morning?”

“Is that a question, or a statement?” He countered.

“Either this morning or last night, I don’t quite remember, sir.”

He jerked his head for you to come to him, and you complied after grabbing the medical tin. Your usual ritual ensued.

“I told you it wasn’t an inconvenience, yet you didn’t listen. Thought you knew better.” It felt like he was trying to be scolding, but it didn’t hit you in the way you thought it was meant to. But what he said next was enough to make you snap your head up to look at his face instead of his hands. “Did you ever once consider that I like doing this?”

“Sir-“ You started, eyes wide as you stared at him, but before you could say more, he interrupted.

“Dismissed. The injury is still fresh, and you should be getting more rest. Don’t exert yourself out there tonight.” The metal tin closed with a snap, and he stood up to put it away, never once meeting your eyes as they followed him.

“Y-yes, sir,” You managed out after a moment, hauling your chair back to its rightful place and grabbing the finished paperwork between the two of you to take to the commander.

Your mind was distracted for the entirety of your nightly training. Replaying the scene in your head over and over, you almost forgot to glance up to the window. This time, when you tentatively raised your hand, the figure stood there for a long moment after. Even though it was the darkest night of the moon’s phases, the light illuminating from behind him, and the sheer distance made it impossible to see his face, you still felt those sharp grey eyes boring into you.

You decided to end the night early.

-

The next expedition was fast approaching, and for that, you were thankful. You were antsy, ready for another fight. Ready to hear the crashing thud as another one of those monster’s enormous bodies hit the ground after your blades slid through the back of its ankles. Everyday you learned more and more complicated techniques, training until exhaustion. You had been given the taste of freedom, of revenge and you wanted, no, needed, more. You could tell the rest of your squad was feeling the same way. Since you were still a green cadet, they had to hold back the last time, you were sure of it. But now that the knew you could hold your own, had seen you in the field, and had been training with them for months now, it meant that they could rely on you more.

Thinking about it one night as your jogged for endless laps, it helped to slowly solidify the thoughts that you had been having for weeks then. They were relying on you. Relying on you to follow commands, to fit in formations, and if anything went wrong, to make snap judgment calls that had not only your life but theirs riding on.

It was easy, when you first started. When you were pitted against your fellow soldiers to see who was the best. You fought tooth and nail against each other, clawing your way to the top ten. Ready to drop friends like you dropped bodies on the sparring grounds, you didn’t get very attached. But now, the entire scene was flipped, you had always at least four other people relying on you to know where you fit into the plan of attack. And you had to trust them to do the same. Trust them to not twist cables with you as you zig-zagged around a titan, cutting tendons and muscle until it had nothing left to fight with and the last person could take the nape. Trust was usually earned, but now it was expected. You had come in with the thought of revenge, and while you were getting it, it was not in the way you had expected, and it was far better than what you had in mind. But the pressure weighed down on your shoulders, as you sat with your team in the shade of a large tree during lunch, eyes scanning their faces, they relied on you. Not only that, but you were the special operations squad, which meant you were there when things got to be their worst, so the rest of the branch of this military relied on your in some sort. Special Ops had been your goal, and everyday that you were there, the severity of that choice added metaphorical kilos to the weight on your back. But you could handle, of course you could. You didn’t spend countless hours more than the rest training your body and mind to be flattened under the weight. You adapted, shifted perspective, and moved forward. It was the one thing you knew best.

Things with Captain Levi had returned to normal. The banter continued, the comfortable silence, save for the sounds of paperwork resumed, and he always helped patch you up when you got hurt yet again, even if you couldn’t make sense of it. You could make sense of violence, you understood that. You understood military, ranks, punishment, drills, expectations. But what you couldn’t understand was why your direct commanding officer, not only that but, humanities strongest, took it upon himself to treat your wounds. He was attentive, no matter how much he tried to cover it with crass comments, insults, and a cold, harsh exterior, you could always see what you were beginning to understand as care in his eyes.

‘Did you ever once consider that I like doing this?’

His question had stopped you in your tracks. It made you feel smaller than any of the insults, punishments, or humiliations you had received from your three years of training and a quarter of a year in the survey corps could ever have. You couldn’t understand why he would like to do it, what possessed him to. In your mind, there was no rational nor irrational explanation for it. It was just something you couldn’t wrap your mind around. Whenever you thought too hard on it, it made you miss being out on an expedition more, where you were in your element, where you understood everything. You understood military.

You understood when Gunther yelled your name, cables flying into a tree behind a 10 meter, taking out a chunk of flesh from the nape with it, meanwhile you shot at the 9 meter close in its heels. Its arm reached for you but you segmented the hand at the wrist before it could, shooting an anchor up and out, you swung in a large arc before releasing your cables. The fresh air filled your lungs as you took a deep breath in your freefall, and you almost smiled. When your descent led you to being level with the nape again, you shot both the cables, locked your blades, and dropped the grotesque creature.

“Oh, can’t we take one back this time?” Hange’s cheeks were flushed a hue of red as she clasped her hands together.

“You heard Erwin, not this time.” Levi yelled back, unamused.

“But think of all the wonderful data I could gather!” She wailed, zeroing in on an abnormal closing in fast.

Levi had its nape before she could finish her sentence.

You enjoyed Hange, you really did. When she plopped down at your table one night, asking you questions as the newest Special Ops recruit, you hadn’t known any better. You listened as she went on her rants on titan experimentation, not noticing when the rest of your squad abandoned ship, including your captain. Luckily, after you thought you couldn’t feign a smile and nod along much longer to information you had learned your first year in the training corps, Levi came back and dragged you off by your collar, telling ‘four eyes’ that you had work to do.

You learned your lesson to not ask Hange too many questions when you were short on time.

But while she was amusing at times, her intellect never failed to astound you, so you listened when you had nothing else to do. You did not have any particular interest in understanding monsters but listening to her speak was a challenge of your mind, and you enjoyed nothing if not a good challenge.

Hours later, covered in blood, steam rising from your body as the sunlight hit it, you rode back to the walls. As you neared, you searched for Amalia. Luckily you were able to spot each other early on before you entered the threshold of civilization once again and you breathed a sigh of relief.

Another ‘successful’ mission. Minimal deaths. It was enough to celebrate. After debriefing with your squad, your breakfast partner found you and looped her arm in yours, doing her best to convince you to go into town with her and some of her squad and your graduating class. Just a few drinks, she reasoned, promising you could leave whenever you wanted. You were looking for an excuse out, and luckily your captain was walking by when the exchange happened. You looked to him in desperation, explaining to Amalia that you had to help with paperwork. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes when he said that you could come in a couple hours later than normal to give you time.

You suppressed a glare, but you knew he saw your eyes flash.

Meanwhile, your friend gave a victorious chirp of happiness, thanking your captain and the two of you saluted before she continued to drag you away.

-

A couple of drinks, she had said. Sure, for you, but not for her. You were pleasantly tipsy. Enough so that you could enjoy yourself, but sober enough that you’d be 100% by the time you walked back to base to start on the paperwork that night. Smiling to yourself, you walked through the town towards the military buildings you called home. You had had a good time, even though you spent most of the time corralling your friend, you managed to win a few drinking games with Amalia’s squad mates. Once you were certain that they would take care of the inebriated young woman, you took your leave. The night air cooled your flushed red cheeks, and you closed your eyes for a moment to enjoy your swimming senses as the air filled your lungs.

It was because of this that you had no time to react when fingers closed around your wrist and you were thrown back against the brick wall of an alleyway. Your head cracked painfully against the stone.

“Bastard, let me go.” You snarled up at Stefan, his hand large enough to hold both of your wrists.

He was drunk, his friends no doubt had the same idea as Amalia’s. And he was angry.

“I don’t think so, bitch. You still haven’t paid properly for how you treated me.”

You tried to bring your knee up to connect with his groin, but he blocked it with his shin, close enough that he could crowd you into almost no movement. Cursing to yourself, you tried to jerked your head when he used his free hand to painfully grab your jaw.

“I don’t know how you made it to the top ten. You’re the reason I was number 11, it should have been me. I could be sitting pretty right now in the military police, but no, I’m here. Because of you. Not only that, but it was because of that stunt you pulled that I am in the outskirts of the formation. I’m set up to die. But I haven’t yet. Why? Because I need to teach you a lesson.” Rum, you decided, was what was on his breath.

“Oh yeah, me, number 2, was the reason you didn’t make the top ten. I was nine slots ahead of you. That’s hardly my fault.” You managed out, and the grip on your chin tightened. You knew you probably shouldn’t be egging him on, but you needed time to think and figure out a way out of it. With your mind still hazy, you looked for weak points. He had your legs crowded, arms above your head. It was hard to be quicker than your larger opponent when you were backed into a corner. It had been months that he had been stewing on this anger, but he was sloppy, this was unplanned. Impulsive. If you kept baiting him, it may give you an opening. “You could have gone to the garrison.”

“Those pussy’s? I think not. I’m not a coward. It should be me it the special ops squad. I’m far better than you. Better soldier. Stronger. Bigger. Tougher.” He growled; eyes wild.

“Oh yeah, that’s why I could throw you over my shoulder everyday for 3 years.” It was an exaggeration, but it did the trick. Adrenaline and the cool air were doing wonders for your sobriety, and you were thinking clearer by the second. You just needed to get off this wall. You needed to have the room to move. “How do you explain my success if I’m such a terrible soldier, hm?”

There no doubt in your mind that there were going to be fingertip shaped bruises along your jaw within the next hour with how tight his grasp was.

“You’re probably fucking him,” He spat out.

Your eyes narrowed, plan of attack short circuiting as you processed what he said.

“Who?”

“That captain of yours.”

Now that really pissed you off.

“How dare you.” A hook of your right leg around his left, yanking it outwards and giving you room. A swift foot to the inside of the knee and he let go of your wrists. Your hands came down, locked on the back of his head, and now that you had the space, brought his face down on your knee. There was a sickening crack of cartilage breaking and he crumbled. “I don’t give two fucks what you think about me.” You flipped him over, grabbing harshly to an arm and twisting it painfully behind him with his face in the rocky rubble beneath him. One foot on the back of his neck, you were mere kilos of pressure away from pulling his arm from the socket. “But how dare you insinuate that Captain Levi would recruit a mediocre soldier to special ops, putting not only my life, but the lives of all the special ops squad members, the lives of all Survey Corps members including his, and therefore all of humanity on the line, for a piece of ass. That is idiotic. Disgusting. Let me repeat myself, _how dare you_. To say that the captain is that flippant with the human lives we protect.” You twisted harder, digging your heel into the back of his neck when he tried to muscle his way up. He’d no doubt have road rash on his cheek, and you relished in the thought. “You’re a fool. A weasel. A maggot. Not only did you lay your hands on another soldier with malicious intent, but you insulted a superior officer. You’re no soldier. You’re an egotistical weak little boy who doesn’t deserve to be in the military, let alone top fifteen. A spineless little bastard who has to overpower an inebriated woman half his size to feel better about himself. Do you know what you deserve?”

He gave no response, strong holding it out. His eyes were clamped shut, teeth grit. You wanted to smash them in. You dug your heel further into the back of his neck and pulled a bit harder on his twisted arm until you heard a pop as it was pulled from the socket. Dropping it, you flipped him over with a swift kick the ribs. Then, planting a foot in between his legs to keep him in line, you grabbed his collar and hauled his face up to yours. Once you were satisfied by the level of fear in his eyes, you continued. “You deserve nothing.” It was just above whisper, “All that you worked for is worth nothing, because it is for selfish, disgusting reasons. I swear on the walls, if you lay your hands on me again, I will cut them off and shove them so far up your ass that I could reach into your throat and pull them out. And if you ever speak that way about the Captain again, I promise you that you will be lacking a tongue before you could utter another word. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes.” It was through grit teeth, but with how much white was visible in his eyes, you knew the effect your words had had.

Your voice was low, even, deadly, as a smile curved at the sides of your lips as you leaned in even closer. “Yes…what?”

“Yes, sir!”

“That’s what I thought.” You released him with a shove backwards, satisfied when his head cracked the same way yours did against the brick. Stepping off him, you stared down, debating giving him kick to the stomach as he got to his hands and knees. But you were better than kicking a man while he was down. Dusting your hands off on your pants, you left him there, making your way to the mouth of the alleyway. But when you looked up, you were met with a dark silhouette stood in the entry. The torches that lines the streets illumined him from behind, and you had looked up enough times to his window each night to recognize him in an instant.

“Sir!” You saluted, clicking your heels together.

There was a long pause where neither of you spoke, and you wondered how long he had been standing there.

He turned sideways, casting a look over his shoulder at you.

“Come along, we have work to do.”

“Yes, sir,” You said quickly, stepping in line with him and walking back to the barracks in silence.

Hange had dragged him out. All the squad leaders had come along to a quiet pub in celebration. He had managed to have a decent enough time, but he was still counting down the minutes until he had the excuse to leave. When the time that he told you to return by slowly ticked closer, he excused himself. There were some groans of complaints, but they knew that it was rare Levi came out at all and they were appreciative of the time they did have. He had nursed maybe three glasses of whiskey the entire night, so he was sober by the time the pub door shut behind him, muffling the loud voices of his comrades.

He was walking along the streets to where he had tethered his horse when he heard the door to a rowdier pub open, and out you stepped. You were swaying slightly, he noted, but not stumbling. With a walk back and a glass of water, you’d be sober enough to fulfill your nightly duties, he figured. He increased his pace every so slightly to catchup to you, maybe offer to bring you back on the back of his horse or walk it back with you when he noticed something you obviously didn’t. A shadow, leaning against the side of the building you were approaching. A shadow that snatched your wrist and yanked you into the alley.

He recognized the voice as he ran forward, looking around the building into the alleyway, it was the volatile teammate you had for examination day, no doubt holding a grudge. Angry, he moved to step in as he listened to the heated conversation.

“You’re probably fucking him.”

“Who?”

“That captain of yours.”

Now that pissed him off. The little bastard. He was a split second away from launching forward, you beat him to the drop.

“How dare you.” The frigid tone to your voice was enough to send a chill down even his spine. And he couldn’t blame you, what the bastard was insinuating was disgusting. One of the lowest blows a woman in an esteemed position could take, ‘fucked your way up to the top’ was not an uncommon insult, but it always stung. But what you said next had him reeling, frown creasing his forehead and he listened. You weren’t defending yourself; you were defending _him_. You were right, he’d never stoop as low as to promote someone just because they would sleep with him, it was idiotic, selfish, and put far too many lives as risk, but that was his own to defend. You had bypassed the insult to yourself completely. It was rational, your thought process as you explained what the man was actually insinuating, and a sort of pride swelled in Levi’s chest as he listened. Not that he needed you to defend him or his honor, per se.

You were surprisingly adept at manhandling someone much larger than you, and Levi couldn't help but admire the way your biceps flexed under the sleeves of your button up as you jerked the man closer to your face. He had to smile slightly at your colorful threats, wondering if the small amount of alcohol still in your system had loosened your tongue or if that’s how you always spoke when you were livid with no one else around. The last bit of what you said amused him, the final kick to the ego that was making Stefan use an honorific.

You brushed yourself off, gingerly touching the back of your head from where is had hit the brick to see if it was bleeding. Looking up from your thankfully clean hand, he had to hold back a smirk at the expression of surprise at seeing him. If he was being honest, he didn’t know what to say. You obviously hadn’t known he was there, and what you had said no doubt put you in a precarious position. You looked like a scared deer with you wide eyes, but your first instinct was still to salute. Deciding you had been through enough that day, he took pity on you and cut the suspense.

“Come along, we have work to do.”

“Yes, sir.”

He pulled you up behind him onto the horse, letting you settle yourself a moment before urging the steed into a trot back to camp. You were quiet with embarrassment. Not knowing how much he had heard was eating at you. It was obviously self-defense, so you did not think that you’d be punished, but you had still talked about him when you thought he wasn’t there, and it made you uncomfortable. Not to mention he heard your quite colorful vocabulary, something you never intended for your commanding officer to hear.

“How much did you hear?” You couldn’t take it anymore as you entered his office behind him.

With him leaning against the front of his desk and you standing in front of him, he studied you for a moment.

“Enough.” Well, that told you absolutely nothing. He sighed then, shifting the subject, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, took a blow to the back of the head but I don’t think I have a concussion or anything.” It was your turn to sigh and you reached up to touch the goose-egg that had no doubt formed on the back of your scalp. Before you could, he caught your wrist. Long fingers looping around it to gently pull it away. He put his finger in front of your face, checking to see if your suspicions were true.

“Follow it with your eyes.” And you did, carefully running through the test, “You’re right, no concussion.”

He held onto your wrist still, and it may have made you think of the events earlier in the night, but his grip was too cautious. You watched as he reached and gently brought his hand to your bruised jawline, and with a featherlight touch, tipped your head to each side to get a better look. He carefully inspected the blooms of purple, as if he stared hard enough and long enough, he could will them away. Again, you thought it curious how a man of his stature could make you feel so small so easily. He was close, too close, closer than he was when he normally would inspect your wounds. Avoiding his intense gaze, you looked anywhere but him. Instead, you counted the books in the top shelves of the cases then sorted them by color. Three red, twelve brown, eleven black, six green, and seven blue.

Anger bubbled up inside him as he ran his fingertips across the delicate skin along your jaw, careful to not put pressure on the bruised areas. If he had left thirty seconds earlier, he would have caught up to you in time and you wouldn’t have been hurt. But then you’d still have that freak on your back, he reasoned with himself, now at least you had put him in his rightful place. The scene flashed again in his mind and an unfamiliar warm feeling replaced the anger at how you had so adamantly defended him, understood him.

There was something about treating your injuries that satisfied him deeply, like scratching an itch. It had frustrated him that you didn’t get why he was doing it, and that he actually enjoyed doing it. He was trying to say something, and it was like you were turning a deaf ear to it. He had been petty, he knew it, but he couldn’t help it. But then you stood in front of him, hands clenched and knees locked to stop them from shaking as you apologized and he realized that there was no way that he could be mad at you for not understanding. You had been thinking of him, again. Now, as he stood there, hand half balanced on your jaw and half on your throat, trying his utmost best to not let the the calloused pads of his fingers and palm catch the delicate skin there, he let out a long breath. It fanned across your cheeks and you closed your eyes for a moment, and your own breath caught in your throat as if stopped by his gentle touch. You needed no true medical attention, no cleaning, no disinfecting, no wrapping, and it bothered him. Tightening his grip on your forearm ever so slightly and tilting your head just a bit more, he broke the silence again.

“There was nothing I can do to treat these injuries, unfortunately.” His voice was a whisper as leaned in closer. There was a pregnant pause, then feeling of soft lips on your jaw had your eyes snapping open, but you didn’t dare move. They pressed to each of the five purple blooms, and you let him move your head which ever way he needed to to reach them. It was then that you filed away this sensation to the list of things you could never forget.

When he was done, he let both his hands fall away from you and took a step back. You finally met his eyes, hazy. They were half-lidded, but not in his usual bored expression, no, they were clouded with something else. Tenderness?

You didn’t speak, couldn’t. Words weren’t meant for moments like this. He seemed to understand that too, because when he broke eye contact first, he simply nodded to your table and took his seat at his desk. Neither of you spoke the rest of the night, and he was even the one who went to go get the tea. It wasn’t awkward of uncomfortable, the air was heavy, but with something you couldn’t quite name.

As you laid in bed, skipping your nightly training when you had almost fallen asleep at your work station again, your hand came up to gingerly touch your jawline. Instead of the memory of your aggressor's bruising grip surfacing, all you could think about was Levi’s lips.

Maybe he had figured out a way to treat the injuries, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> So I took some of the praises and criticisms and expanded on them a bit more in this chapter! I hope you all liked it! This is the longest chapter to date, almost double the first.
> 
> This chapter feels really choppy, but I've had the last scene in my mind for MONTHS and I am glad to finally have it on paper (eh, screen). I think the choppiness is the reason I named in Chekhov's Gun, it was essentially just loading and firing it in once scene after another in a pretty lack-luster and ham handed way, but the ending scene is one I am quite proud of. 
> 
> Sorry for the late upload, finals are kicking my ass since I graduate this semester!
> 
> please comment your thoughts, I'd love to hear them!


	5. Another Truth For My Fists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past is nasty business, the future is none of your business.  
> Your mother always said rain brings blessings, but tragedy happens in three's.
> 
> Did you file your teeth sharp enough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I made a spotify playlist for this story, if you're interested.  
> Link:  
> Id recommend putting it on shuffle!  
> Its fun to listen to and think 'who in this story is this song for? Who's perspective would it be from?'  
> Lemme know what you think!

A hand on your shoulder and a gentle shake woke you from your slumber. Through the light of the moon peaking through your curtains, you blinked away sleep as you looked up at your father. He smiled down at you, sand still in the corner of his own eyes. You could smell the burning of the ovens heating, and you were thankful that he always started them before coming to wake you because the house was already warm by the time you peeled back the covers and got dressed for the day. By the time the sun rose, you already had flour smeared on your cheeks, beads of sweat forming and dripping down the back of your neck as you hauled large bags of flour over your shoulder and kneaded dough next to the hot ovens. When it was time to flip the ‘open’ sign forward, your mother and sister would descend the stairs, taking their place behind the counter and ready to assist customers. When you finally got a break, you’d sit down and guzzle the glasses of water your sister brought you and your dad. Always with a hint of ginger to not upset the stomach when you’d drink it too fast, your mother would say.

You knew the regulars by name, and more than half of the town were what you’d consider regulars. For the most part, you stayed out of trouble. Sure, you’d end up telling off some bullies in back allies or get into yelling matches with kids your age. A few times you were told that you were too opinionated for a young lady, but you weren’t what was considered a ‘problem child’. There was even a boy your age who you considered your beau. He’d lean against the front of your shop, waiting for you to come out with the basket on your arm for your daily deliveries, walking with you as you made your route around town, but it never got farther than the gentle brush of pinkies before your hand found his and you laced fingers.

-

You had peeked your head out the window when you heard the lightning strike. The sun was shining, you had noted, but it was definitely lightning that you had heard. Slowly, a red hand came into view, the exposed sinews contrasting sharply with the grey stone of the wall. In horror, you couldn’t rip your eyes from the scene. You saw the smoke and rubble before the noise of the explosion hit you, but the sound was what would haunt you. Yanking your head back inside, you hit the ground in a desperate attempt to take cover, but your house was too close. Wooden rafters above your head splintered and caved inward. Light streamed in, catching the dust and debris in a horrifying yet beautiful display. You were lucky, the wardrobe had fallen forward over you and onto the edge of your bed, creating the perfect shelter to stop you from being crushed. Carefully you crawled from underneath it, the only thing on your mind was to make sure that your family was okay.

Your feet were unsteady under you, and the sound of far heavier footsteps rumbled in the distance. Using the remaining walls for support, you walked down the hall to where you knew your parents and sister had been. You didn’t call out, whether it was because you didn’t trust your voice, to avoid drawing attention from the monsters outside, or because you feared no one would answer, you didn’t know. Rounding the corner, the smell hit you first. You knew that smell, from when you had accidentally cut your hand deep while preparing dinner, from falling down the stone steps when you were chasing after a friend, from when you had gotten a bloody nose for the fourth time that drought season. The room was decimated, the roof gone. Father and mother, side by side, you could only see their hands and a leg from under the pieces of stone. Scanning the room until you found your sister, you ran towards the rafters that she was trapped under. Years of carrying heavy bags of sugar and flour had left you strong, and for that you were thankful as you strained to lift the beams. In the back of your mind, you knew she was far too cold already, but your consciousness wouldn’t let you process that as you scooped her up into your arms.

Meanwhile, outside, the screaming had started. They were drawing nearer; you could tell by both the sound of their footsteps and the sounds of agony from your neighbors. You ran towards the innermost walls of the city. Rocks and pebbles cut into your bare feet, but you paid it no mind, you had to get to safety. Unfortunately, your house was close to the outer wall, which meant you had to cover a lot of distance. People were snatched from the ground in front of you, and while the building sized humanoids were occupied, you’d dodge between their legs and continue sprinting forward. If you made it to the other wall in time, maybe you’d be able to stop her bleeding.

You had to be fast.

When you finally made it to the wall, you were well acquainted with the sound of tearing flesh and snapping bone.

You almost didn’t make it, but you were ushered on the boat just a few people before they cut it off at capacity. If you were in a proper state of mind, you’d have recognized the other pair of children close behind you, a garrison soldier arguing to have them be let on.

Instead of flour streaking your face, it was red.

It took hours before your neighbor, the woman whose husband was injured on the job and you had been delivering end-of-day bread to, had noticed that the child in your arms’ chest did not rise and fall against yours, her skin far to pale. It took another hour before they could pry her from your arms.

Three nights. Three nights you didn’t sleep. Three days you didn’t eat. Everyday you wandered the refugee area where you all were being kept, noting each face you never saw, keeping a tally of everyone you had lost. You felt the ache deep in your body, as if the grief had settled into the very marrow of your bones. On the third day, the pen weighed heavy in your hand as you scribbled your name on the training corps recruitment sheet. You had nothing. No one else to lose. You didn’t even consider your life as something to be lost. But you could gain something. Something that could not be bought.

Shadis had stared you down, and you had stared forward. He then passed you by, moving onto the next cadet. There was nothing he could say, you were already at rock bottom.

Again, you were glad that the years of hauling ingredients had made you strong, but that didn’t mean you knew how to fight. But at first, it didn’t matter. You wanted to die. You were cannon fodder, why did it matter if you were any good? If you went into the survey corps, you were going to die on your first expedition anyway, why should you care if you knew how to hold a knife or throw another cadet over your shoulder. But as the first few weeks went on, the grief turned to anger. It started off slow. You had been thrown to the ground, another cadet standing over you, taunting you. He had said something along the lines of how easy of a meal you would be for the titans. You had no fight, no drive. That you’d give them exactly what they wanted.

And deep in your belly, the first flames of anger were sparked. Why should you make it easy for them? They had taken everything from you, why should you continue to give them what they sought? Spite and rage first bubbled then simmered. And you started picking fights. The best way to learn was through failure. You talked back to superiors, who made you run until sundown. And after, when you dragged your exhausted body back to the barracks, you finally dreamlessly slept.

You sharpened your metaphorical teeth into razor points. A metal file ground against diamond like calcium. Through blood and sweat, but not a single tear, you made sure you could bite back. The violence you knew was learned. With the taste of copper and dirt, you clawed your way to the top two of the ranks by those teeth and equally as sharp nails.

It didn’t take long before Shadis figured out what you were doing in talking back to him. After finding it odd that the bags under your eyes actually decreased as his punishments increased, he stopped giving them to you. So you started sneaking out past curfew, and he turned a blind eye. And the insubordination tapered off. Instead, you were molded into a soldier. An almost perfect one. Old habits died hard, and you’d still run your mouth once in a blue moon. But fire in your gut drove you, pushed you to be better.

Watching carefully, you took note to the way the other cadets tried to stay upright. When it was your turn, you focused on your center of gravity, noting the tug of the straps on your hips at first and then how the pressure dispersed through the leather around your body as you were lifted from the ground. There were blisters by the end of the day, and you grimaced in the shower when they burst under the hot stream. But soon callouses formed, your skin toughing the same as your resolve did.

Before you knew it, you were flying through the air, mastering your craft. Everyday, you worked hours longer than the others, trying different techniques that would rise you to the top of your class. Well, almost the top. You were bitter about it, your placement, but in the end, it didn’t matter as long as you could get outside the walls. Rank didn’t matter, what mattered was excelling at titan killing. Beyond the towering stone, the titans didn’t care if you were ranked first or second. And while it was a hit to your pride, exacerbated by every time you were called ‘number two’, you knew in your heart you were going to be the one in your class who had the best chance as surviving against the monsters. Not only surviving but exacting your revenge against the things that took everything from you.

By the time you graduated, you ate, slept, and breathed military. Three long years with anger and vengeance growing every day. But it didn’t eat away at you, no, you fed off it. It fueled you. You didn’t think without strategy. Didn’t move without purpose. Didn’t act without calculation. But you stayed true to yourself, nevertheless. While you may not have been completely the girl that you were in Shiganshina, you still kept the essence of who you were. Because that’s what your family would have wanted. The compassion for humanity, the love for the small things, and the dry sense of humor that was unique to you. You’d catch more glimpses of her now, when you’d joke with your squad mates or confide in Petra or Amalia. When you’d feel a flutter in your stomach during tender moments behind closed doors with your captain.

He’d been gone more recently. Meetings with Erwin keeping him occupied during the day. Not that you minded truly, days were for training. There was also the fundamental understanding of how important the commander was to the man. You didn’t know why he was so important to him, but you respected it. You did your best not to pry with Levi, it was rare he would give you snippets of information about himself, and when he did tell you, you could tell it was hard for him.

The moon was full and the gas lamps burned low when you had asked about his first expedition. It was the first true personal question you had asked him, your curious nature breaking through. You wanted to know more about him, he fascinated you so. He had read your file, overheard you tell Petra about your family, as he came clean with you one night, and you appreciated the honesty, but you knew next to nothing about him. The man who managed to make your heart race, who slowly shifted from just your commanding officer, someone you had to impress and walk on eggshells around to someone who you felt comfortable around. Someone who you wanted to share more time with. Someone who you often got lost in thought about.

The internal war he had had shown through his grey eyes, ones that you were learning how to read. You knew that look far too well. Loss. Pain. Heartache. You had quickly assured him that he didn’t have to tell you, but he only scoffed, telling you that he of course knew that, and told you the story anyways. It was vague, horribly so, just that he had lost two close friends. He had gone in with a different agenda, and they had gotten killed. Halfway through, you had reached out and taken his hand. Pausing, he stared at it for a long moment. Regret quickly found its way into your mind, and you feared you had offended him into silence, but when you opened your mouth to apologize, he had continued with a tight grip on your hand.

Most of what you knew of him you learned from experience. He preferred lapsang souchong to Darjeeling, but oolong won over both of those. Earl grey was his preference on days when you thought he was lighter, the scowl less apparent on his features and the corners of his mouth were more inclined to dance upwards. But it was always a tossup whether he’d chose to add milk and sugar, so you’d make sure to put the two on the side when you’d do the nightly tea run, not daring to make that decision for him. He’d taken to saying please, when it was time for you to do said run to the kitchen. It wasn’t an order anymore, but a request, the sharp bark of a commanding officer having fallen from his tone as time continued.

-

You and Petra grew closer still, and she took her self-declared role of older sister quite seriously. Thankful that you had been made to bunk with her, the time you spent together was something you cherished.

“Did you have anyone before you joined the survey corps?” She leaned in, cheeks flushed from the beer you had both been drinking.

“What do you mean?” You frowned, taking a sip from your own bottle. Managing to smuggle some onto base, you sat leaned against the backs of the stables. It was a fun little thrill, both telling yourselves you were breaking the rules but knowing full well if you got caught you’d get less than a slap on the wrist. You had two days before the next expedition, so Petra suggested a couple hours to unwind together.

“Like, you know, _someone_.” Followed by a hiccup.

“Are you asking if I had a boyfriend?”

“Yes!”

“Ah.” You smiled, the alcohol loosening your lips. “I had someone you could probably consider a boyfriend in Shiganshina, but he died when the wall was breached. In the training corps I had no interest nor time for something like that.”

She hummed in understanding, nodding along. “What was he like?”

“The boy from Shiganshina? Well, we were hardly more than kids, so its tough to say. He was kind, gentle, soft. Had to hold me back a few times from some fights with the neighborhood kids.”

“I could see you getting into fights,” Petra laughed, and you joined in.

“He was very sweet. A few days before the fall, he had asked my father permission to officially court me. I thought it was bullshit, why should he ask my father that? I loved my father dearly, still do, but I was not his property. But the boy was a slave to propriety and all things proper, so he asked.” You shrugged; it didn’t bother like it did when he was alive.

“Would you have married him?”

“Maybe.” You took another sip, baring your teeth at the hoppy flavor of the brew.

“Was he cute?”

“The cutest eligible bachelor in all of Shiganshina,” You tossed her a wink, which had you both flying into a fit of giggles. “What about you? Did you have anyone?”

“I had crushes here and there. Had a fling in the training corps. Even had a boyfriend early on in my career in the survey corps.” She stopped, but it seemed like she had more she wanted to say.

“And now?”

“Now, I can only see myself dedicating myself to one person.” The air was heavy, and you knew what she meant. “You?”

There was a long pause in which you didn’t know how to answer, instead staring out at the waning sun on the horizon and debated with yourself in an internal struggle. Looking down at the bottle in your hand, you brought it to your lips, tipped it back, and emptied the remnants.

“I’ll take that as answer enough.” She laughed before she did the same and stood. Reaching out her hands, she pulled you up with her. Overshooting how much energy she’d need to help you up, she ended up tumbling backward, sending you both to the ground again. Both of you landed with a fit of laughter, the light conversation turned heavy long forgotten, and blissfully unaware of who might have been listening on the other side of the wooden stables as he tended to his horse.

-

You decided to skip dinner, instead you two feasted on the snacks you had bought earlier that day at the market and stashed in your shared room. After drinking enough water to sober up in time, you excused yourself to your nightly paperwork duties. She bid you a sarcastic ‘good luck’ and you shot her a middle finger before you closed the door behind you. 

Of course, as usual, nothing got past Levi’s watchful eyes. Or so you thought.

“You’ve been drinking.” He said as you sat down at your normal spot and picked up your pen.

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” You felt comfortable joking with him, especially when you could see that the lines of disapproval had not settled onto his features.

“You stumbled to sit down.”

“That proves nothing, I fell off a horse the other month.” You knew you were sober at this point, and you definitely had sat down with smooth ease, so you didn’t know where he was coming from with the information.

“I can smell it.”

“It’s a new toothpaste.”

“You brush your teeth with ferment and hops?”

You paused. You truly had just brushed your teeth to rid yourself of the aftertaste of the beer and food, so you knew he was bluffing, but that didn’t change the fact that he knew that you had been drinking. How, on the other hand, was still up in the air. Has he seen you and Petra? Had he _heard_ you and Petra? The latter of the two scared you more. Since he was right, not that he was admitting how exactly he knew, you decided the best course of action was to fess up. Admit what you cant deny.

“You got me. You’ve been spending too much time with Squad Commander Mike.”

“Maybe so. But its highly inappropriate to come to your duties inebriated, don’t you think?” You didn’t think he was angry, but there was something in his eyes you couldn’t quite read just yet. “Maybe I should make you stay two more hours tonight to make up for the time its going to take you to sober up.”

“I believe I’m at one hundred percent now, and if I wasn’t, it would barely take me half an hour to get there, let alone two. And with all due respect, spending more time with you is hardly a punishment, sir.” It was said off-hand while looking down at the first sheet and frowning at the words.

“Is that so?” He raised an eyebrow, leaning across his desk as if you had really piqued his interest. “Why might that be?”

The change of tone had you looking up, blinking and wide-eyed. You figured he knew you enjoyed the nights spent together, even though it was occupied by working on paperwork. It was true the only reason you were there at first was a quid pro quo for a free pass to break the rules, but through the months that you had spent with the added duties, you had come to enjoy the time. Come to look forward to walking the hall to his office, to shoot quips back and forth between pages, to see that small smile that you were growing more and more accustomed to. He’d still tend to any of your injuries, without fail. Even if he wasn’t there on the training field that day, quick scans of your movements as you entered the room and got to work were enough to let him know, if he didn’t corner Eld before dinner into telling him if anything happened. Except now, any bruises were met with a ghost of lips pressed to them.

“Because I enjoy it?” Your answer came out more as a question, as if it was the most natural thing that you enjoyed it and he was being obtuse.

“You enjoy hours of mind-numbing paperwork?”

“No, I enjoy spending time with you.” This time it was firm and sure, and it caught him off guard. It was the answer he was fishing for, but when you looked him directly in the eye, your own narrowing slightly after losing their surprised doe-like expression, it threw him. You jaw was set, a determination in your eyes that was a staple to who you were. The amused and cocky countenance on his own face dropped, and instead was replaced with something akin to the one he had when he held your jaw delicately in his hand those weeks ago. But there was also something else there, something that may have been hesitance.

“I enjoy it too.”

You smiled, a wide grin that had your eyes turning to crescent moons. It was rare that someone coaxed that out of you, but you found him doing it more and more.

-

You were terrified, and you weren’t afraid to admit it to yourself. You told yourself you’d never say it out loud, to him nor anyone else, but you were scared. Scared of what it meant. Why were you so comfortable around him? Why did your heart race at his close proximity? Why did you stomach flutter with something nothing like anxiety when the corners of his lips upturned and he shot you his rare smile. You had a job to do, you had a reason for being here, and it wasn’t romance. It was to kill titans. If you let yourself get distracted, it could be the end. What would happen if you were out in the field and your mind was too distracted by a certain raven haired man and not on the creatures that took everything from you? You could die. Or worse, what if he was distracted? He was humanity’s strongest, the soldier who gave you all a bit more hope for the future. Who were you? No one. An elite soldier, maybe, but nobody compared to him. All you would be was a distraction. Even though he had told you he enjoyed tending to your injuries, the guilt ate away at you every time it happened, no matter what you told yourself to try and lessen it. But you reminded yourself he could make his own decisions, that his life was his own and he could do what he wanted. How he spent his time was up to him, not you, where his emotions lied and who they lied with was up to him, not you. But what that also meant was that you were the lord over your own self, and you could make the decisions you wanted for yourself.

Were you really ready to have something to lose?

-

It was raining. Hard. You zipped through the branches, alone. It had been a few dozen minutes since you had gotten separated from your squad, and the rain was making it harder to decipher where you were. Pulling out a compass, you used the wide trunk of the tree you were standing on to block the rain as you attempted to figure out which way you’d have to go to get back.

“Y/L/N!” A shout from another tree in the canopy had your head snapping to look towards the sound.

It wasn’t your squad, you realized immediately, instead, it was Emery, one of your teammates from assessment day. She was accompanied by two others, one was also from your class and the other was a veteran. Quickly, their anchors launched into the branches above you, and they shot to your side.

“We were separated from our squads.” She explained quickly, eyes wide with fear. You had heard the screams echoing, bouncing through the forest. You knew today would not be considered successful. Her white pants were spattered with blood, the fabric of her cloak frayed in places from where she no doubt had hit the ground and rolled. Her two companions were not much better. They were all from different areas in the formation, and since they here together, it no doubt meant it was almost a free-for-all out here.

“When did you last see your squads?” You questioned, looking between the three of them and trying to remember their exact places. They were broken up by leaders and second in commands, pairing off into the formation but close enough to reconvene if necessary.

“In the jaws of an abnormal.” The veteran, Hermann, answered gravely. The other two nodded.

How many were dead?

Dread threatened to settle into your heart and spread like lead through your veins, but you refused to allow it. You needed to make it out alive, and you were going to bring them with you. There would be no more casualties under your watch.

Heavy footsteps beneath you were barely muffled by the downpour of the rain and you noted you were drawing an audience. Three titans had made their way beneath you, gazing up at you with their hypnotic whale eyed stare. When you looked up to your comrades, you found they were looking at you in a similar way, but the whites of their eyes visible from fear and not insane hunger. There was an expectancy in them, like they were waiting for orders. From you. It was understandable, you were on the special ops squad, the elite of the survey corps, it was natural for you them to think you’d know what to do.

You’d seen the type of fear evident in their eyes before, and it almost brought you back in time before you caught yourself. Blinking against the rain, you steeled your heart and set your jaw.

“Right now our main objective is to regroup, we need to find others. Whether is be other stragglers or another squad, it doesn’t matter. The more of us there are, while it may draw more attention from titans, it’ll also mean that there will be more people looking for at least one of us as well. I don’t think the objective we set out to do is in motion anymore, survival is our goal, our priority. I know each of you are capable of doing this. Right now, we need to head south.” You looked at their faces, meeting each of their eyes until they nodded, your own determination rubbing off onto them. “We will do a smaller version of the long-distance formation. One leading, two in the middle, one in the back. We’ll call out when we see a titan. Avoidance is the strategy. Because there’s so few of us, we will all have to be look-outs. If push comes to shove, we can kill one if we can’t go around it.” With visibility because of the rain being an issue, you knew that no matter how peeled you kept your eyes, it would be easy to miss one in the lookout. Was that the crack of thunder or the rumble of titanic footsteps? “I’ll lead, Hermann, you follow up the back. You two,” You nodded to Emery’s and the other cadet, “take the sides. Are we ready?” Once they vocal agreements, you ran to the edge of the thick branch and jumped. Before you could start a descent, your cables were cast forward. Being mindful that your new teammates would not be as fast, you kept your pace reasonable.

You had managed to skirt three titans before both of your teammates on either flank called that they had one on each of their sides the second after you yelled you had one coming head on. Cursing, you counted your blades. Four left. More than enough.

  
“Emerys, guard me!” You ordered, letting your anchors recoil before shooting them into the oncoming titan’s eyes. The squelch of metal to flesh would make any lay human squirm, but to you, it was music to your ears. Retracting them again when you were in range, you ran up its outstretched arm. Your teammate on your heals, she swung around wide and low. Skirting the ground, her blades made contact with its left Achilles tendon. Then, you shot one cable high, pulling you up into the air, and when the creature began to fall, you released it and send the other to the nape. It yanked you down faster than gravity could ever pull you, and you sliced the nape. In the meantime, the two on either side of your team had gained distance, but luckily your other two teammates managed to avoid them. Still, the one on the left was faster than the other, gaining on your team quickly. “Keep going, I’ll catch up! Hermann, take the lead!” You yelled, motioning for them to continue farther south. You were close, you knew it, the designated meetup point if things went disastrous was maybe a mile away. Yet you still didn’t see another soul.

Taking to the branches, you knew you needed to conserve gas. Luckily, the deity in the sky was smiling down on you, and the titan’s attention was still on your group of comrades and not on you, allowing the perfect window of opportunity to cut the nape in one go when you were perpendicular in the branches. Sending the cables into a tree on the direct other side of it, you dropped it before it recognized the threat.

Still, the rain poured on, getting heavier as the time continued to pass. Again, you fought dread as visibility continued to decrease and your ability to tell if a titan was coming did also. Another scream rang from your left, and you had a split second to decide whether to continue forward or change direction. Before your consciences made the deliberate decision, you were being pulled from your beeline south.

A titan, 5 meters, was holding another soldier in its hand, bringing him closer towards its gaping maw.

You had to be fast.

Again, your fellow soldier screamed when he was dropped into a freefall, prying the limp fingers from around him.

“Go! Head south west!” Your voice was hoarse, yelling over the roar of the rain while being out of breath was ripping your throat raw.

Again, you took to the branches, running the perimeter and aligning yourself with the nape before shooting both your cables forward with a lock of your blades together. Within the same motion, you were heading towards your destination again, that is, until the collision of your body with another sent you spiraling.

Your breath was knocked from your lungs, light flashing behind your eyes when the back of your head hit a nearby branch, and you fell again. Fighting the black at the edge of your vision, you clawed at bark as you held fast to the next branch beneath you. With a groan, you began to pull yourself up slowly. That is, until someone grabbed the back of your jacket and yanked you completely to the branch with ease. Getting your wits about you, you began to stand on your own before the person grabbed each of your upper arms and lifted you again.

“You’re alive.” The voice brought you from your daze and you blinked in attempt to focus your vision. It was his ‘captains’ voice, but you could hear the underlying relief that lay under the surface.

“I’m not so easy to kill,” You managed out in a pant, looking around and seeing the other members of your squad emerge from the sheets of rain. Again, you had to blink in an attempt to clear your blurred vision. It was when the nausea began to brew that you knew you had a concussion.

The six of you moved forward together, not encountering another titan in the trees before you reached the rest of the soldiers, and you were thankful.

The thunder of your horses hooves against the soft ground rivaled the sky’s and by the time you reached the gates of the wall and counted the living versus limp bodies, the dread that you had been fighting began to creep up once again. There were so many lost. So many injured. Then, a brief moment of reprieve when you saw a flash of the chestnut hair of your friend Amalia on a horse ahead of you but it was ruined when the yells of the citizens rang louder than any atmospheric clap, and they struck worse than lightning.

Was it all worth it? They asked.

Maybe. You thought.

Not for revenge, no, but the chance of freedom.

These people, or the souls that occupied the now cold corpses that laid in the back of wagons, had something to lose. The people that crowded around you, their watery voices raised while they worked through the first two stages of grief, they had something to lose. And now it was gone.

-

You don’t remember much from the debrief, mostly occupied by holding a cold compress to your head and doing you utmost best to keep your stomach contents where they belonged.

The mess hall was silent that night. Not that you could eat, but you went to be with your squad. God knows everyone needed the companionship at that moment. Not a word was spoken, the only sound was the scape of utensils and the occasional sniffle. Oluo was the first to leave, muttering something about a friend in another squad’s family. Eld and Gunther were next. You waited for Petra to be done, walking her back to your bunk before you made the trek to your captain’s office.

When you opened the door and saluted after being granted entry, you were met with Levi leaning against the front of his desk, arms crossed and brow furrowed.

“Where did you go?”

“I walked Petra back after dinner, I didn’t think I was late.” You looked to the clock, and sure enough, you were right on time for when you usually arrived.

“I’m not talking about now. I’m talking about that mission.” His voice held a coldness you had almost forgotten in the recent months, and it caught you off guard. He was angry.

“I don’t know, one second I was in our formation, the next I only saw rain and trees and everyone was gone. I searched for a while, then came upon a group of fellow lost soldiers. We went to the meetup point, then I got sidetracked and that’s when we collided.” You explained. Running over the scene in your head countless times since it happened, you still had no idea how you had gotten separated. “Did I do something wrong, captain?”

He stared at you for a long moment and you had to steal yourself again to not squirm under the intensity of it. It had been a long time since he made you feel this small. But after you broke eye contact and looked to your feet before looking back up, you were met with a different expression. Fear, worry, and memories.

“I thought I-we’d lost you.” He said, haunted by the memories of another rainy mission. His first.

“But you found me, didn’t you?”

It had hit him more than he had expected it to. He had been shouting orders, each one of his subordinates yelling back in confirmation except for you. It was then that he had realized you had disappeared. The others didn’t know where you had gone, and there were more pressing matters than to drop everything and look for you. He had to stay in control of himself and his squad, remain calm so they did. The smoke signal was barely visible through the rain, but it was unmistakable, retreat. Every trunk he swung past, he looked to see if you were behind it. Every bundle of leaves in the canopy, he scanned for your familiar form. Every bisected body on the ground, he checked to make sure didn’t belong to you. Anger and nerves were building inside him, the grip on his blades were enough to turn his knuckles white. This feeling was familiar. He knew it too well, remembered the anxiety he felt as he followed the footprints in the mud on that fateful rainy day.

He hated them. Hated the grotesque beasts. When one came into his view as the squad moved as a unit in the southern cardinal direction, he acted without thinking, he was going to take it down. That is, until someone else shot from the dark of the shaded leaves, slicing through the rain before flesh. He was too preoccupied by the relief washing through him to remember to change his course, instead, your bodies collided painfully. Wincing when he saw your head hit the branch, he was quick to right himself. He all but sank claws in your arms to pull you up, and he had to stop himself from continuing to pull you into his chest. The others were close behind, he couldn’t afford the display of those emotion now.

In the present, he didn’t respond, and you continued to watch the emotions swim in his eyes. They’d almost lost you. He’d almost lost you. And you’d almost lost whatever you had left. Did you have anything left still? You knew it would all come to an end. It was going back to the same conversation you’d had before, was it worth it in the meantime? Your friendships, your relationships, would be marked by a gravestone. But did you fear your own gravestone or theirs, more? In reality, you knew you’d never outlive him. He was humanities strongest, and you were you, and there would be no way he would be killed before you. You’d be gone, and he’d be the one left with the aftermath. Gone, not knowing the pain or ache of loss any longer, just nothingness. You wouldn’t have to see your friend’s breakdown, see them cry. You wouldn’t have to see him mourn. You’d be blissfully unaware of the loss you caused in others. Were you ready to be the thing that other people had to lose? What he had to lose?

Again you were reminded that that was his decision, not yours. It was selfish to make decisions for him when he could make them for himself. But it nevertheless shifted things. You had no intention of dying, but it wasn’t something you could control.

“Reading is bad for a concussion. You’re relinquished of your nightly duties until you’re recovered. Dismissed.”

“C-can I,” Your hoarse voice cracked, and you cleared your throat. The weight of the day was slowly sinking down on your shoulders in realization. What if his fears were right? You both knew you could handle yourself, but countless more than capable soldiers were lost every expedition. You could have lost yourself. Never would you get to see him again. Those intense grey eyes. That small smile you only saw behind the closed doors. Never feel his calloused fingers against your skin. Never get to admire each slant and smooth plane of his face as he worked diligently on paperwork in front of him, quickly looking away when his eyes would slide to yours. Never feel his lips against your skin again. Heartbeat quickening, you took a shot in the dark. “Can I stay with you for a while still?”

Levi’s jaw dropped slightly, eyes going wide. He pushed off the desk, crossing the floor so quickly you had to stop yourself from flinching and stepping back. A hand slipped between your elbow and waist, sliding around your back and tugging you close. The other found the back of your head, pulling it into the crook of his neck while he pressed his cheek to the top of your head. Your own arms wrapped around him, relishing in the warmth that seeped from his body to yours as you rested your forehead against his collarbones.

“Oh, Levi.” You said his name in a whispered exhale, like it was the very air you breathed. The breath danced across the bare skin, his cravat long removed and the top buttons of his shirt undone. You lifted your head just slightly, giving you enough room to press a kiss to the side of his neck before resting your head in the crook again.

“Say it again.” It wasn’t an order, barely a request. Almost a plead. It occurred to you it was the first time you had said his first name exclusively without title preceding it.

“Levi,” It comes tumbling from your lips like a promise. His hand fell from the back of your head, finding its way to under your jaw and lifting your face.

Looking up, you studied the face you had grown so fond of. You could stare for hours, memorizing every pore and line. You’d commit this moment to memory, his half lidded eyes swimming with more emotions than you could count, his slightly parted lips, the faintest bruise just above his left cheek bone, from your collision, no doubt. His eyes were on your lips, but it was you who closed the distance. It was quick, your own hand shot up and pulled him in by the back of the neck.

The kiss was soft, tender, full of unspoken words. You shared air, breathing life into one another as you desperately tried to pull each other closer in futility. Eventually, you had to pull away, dizzy. The headache that had been stewing in the back of your skull rearing its ugly head.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered, holding your forehead in your palm as you squinted your eyes closed.

He shook his head at your apology and led you to the small padded sofa in the corner to sit. A moment later, a glass of water and two small pills for the pain were pressed in your hands, which you gratefully took. You watched as he grabbed a hard cover book from his shelves and the paperwork from his desk before he made his way back to you. Sitting down next to you, he put the extra paperwork on the coffee table in front of him before pulling you into his side again, letting you get comfortable against him before starting on the work.

“Of course you can stay, I need to make sure you don’t slip to a coma because of that concussion anyways." He teased, pinching your side lightly when your eyes began to droop. “You can sleep after I make sure you don’t develop any new symptoms in the next few hours.”

“Yes, captain.” Smiling up at him, you listened to the faint scratch of pen on paper and counted the rise and fall of his chest.

“Levi,” he corrected.

“Levi,” You breathed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!  
> I wanted to give more context to the readers past, and also include a bit more situational tension.  
> Finals are finally over, so I had time to write!! 
> 
> Also there's very much a reason for that little behind-the-stables scene with Petra, so be on the lookout for that in the future 
> 
> Do you all read the chapter summaries? Mine arent exactly summaries, but they add a bit of insight and nuance to the chapters that sometimes I fear I didnt articulate, I was wondering if readers paid attention to that. 
> 
> Let me know what you liked and didnt like in the comments!!! Kudos are appreciated!!


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